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Incoming Freshmen Makes Lifelong Friends on Class of 2017 Facebook Page

At 11 PM, in the midwest suburban home of Daniel Hines, all is quiet but for the sound of typing. The soon-to-be first-year engineering major sits at the desk in his room, a faint smile illuminated by the pale glow of his computer monitor. As he refreshes his browser, another post appears on The Class of 2017 Facebook group, which he reads before blowing a short burst of air through his nose and commenting “LOL”. “I’m so glad I found… Keep Reading

Counting Your Blessings

It’s always healthy to think about the luckier details of your life. Because many of us have recently become jaded and cynical, here’s a little bit of help: 10 reasons you are luckier than you think. Your name isn’t Hefty Cavendish. If you name IS Hefty Cavendish, you were just mentioned in a very prestigious College Comedy Magazine! We live in an age of convenient and infinite information, so much so that we throw a giant hissy fit for every… Keep Reading

New Charlotte Bobcats Line-Up Plans to Paw at the Competition

After last season’s disappointing record (an NBA worst at 7-59), Charlotte Bobcats head coach Paul Silas and owner Michael Jordan officially introduced at a recent press conference the new 2012-2013 line-up. “To be blunt, we’re replacing our entire line-up with live bobcats,” Jordan announced. D.J. Augustin was noticeably disappointed by the announcement. “I understand that we had a bad record, “ Augustin said. “But to replace us with feral cats seems a bit extreme.” The new team was traded from… Keep Reading

A Q&A with The Lord Almighty

PART 1 Collin Gossel – Let’s get things started! Thanks for coming in today! God – Well, to be honest, I am an ever present entity throughout the entire universe so it wasn’t really a big deal. C – Oh sweet, thanks again!  G – Yeah, it’s just a matter of reworking the atoms in a certain area to take on the appearance of a physical being which I can then focus my consciousness through. C – Yeah, like I… Keep Reading

Phrases everyone learns in language class:

Where is the library?  (Just incase I want to look at books I can’t read) Where is the bathroom?  (Because the international signs for the bathroom weren’t a big enough clue) Where do you live?  (I’m a stalker on the weekend) I don’t speak _________.  (I only took 4 years of it in high school) How are you?  (Wait, you’re a stranger, I don’t care.) My favorite color is _______.  (Thank you for that piece of useless information) How old… Keep Reading

Presidential Facts I Learned In School

Barack Obama is our nation’s first black, mixed-race, Indian, extra-galactic president. George Washington could not tell a lie. He had a rare disease known as “Pinocchio Syndrome” which made him physically react to lying. Martin Van Buren was, in fact, president at some point. Thomas Jefferson coined the phrase “Jungle Fever” as well as “once you go black, you never go back” Theodore Roosevelt was shot during every speech he ever gave. Abraham Lincoln wore such a large top hat… Keep Reading

Press Conference for a Band Who’s Album is Blowing Up

(Reporter gets called on): Yeah, Keith Ruster, Rolling Stone. Your album is blowing up, gaining a lot of popularity, and acclaim. How do you feel about that? Frontman: Look man, we didn’t write this album for rolling stone. I think I speak for the group when I say that we are all pretty sure about you guys being homophobes. We don’t care about people being homosexual, man. This album is about how I feel… You know… like when I’m in… Keep Reading

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