America's Funniest College Humor Magazine Since 1911

FRESHMAN FINDS FRIEND’S FELINE

COLUMBUS – Earlier this week, in Park-Stradley Hall, Audrey Martin unexpectedly uncovered her roommate’s cat in their dorm room. “I knew she was crazy about her cat, but I had no idea she actually brought it to school!” said Audrey. Lyndsay confessed to her Residence Advisor (RA) after Audrey’s discovery that she actually brought her cat, Sadie, with her on move-in day. The feline discovery came eight weeks into the semester when Lyndsay was preparing to do her first load… Keep Reading

Fast Food Math

by Dr. Kyle Marks McDonald’s + Racism = Taco Bell Taco Bell – Nihilism = Chipotle Chipotle = Qdoba Qdoba / Qdoba = 1 1 x .1 x Wendy’s = Arby’s Arby’s x 1.5 = Jimmy Johns √Jimmy Johns = Toppings Toppings + Wild Abandon = Pizza Hut LogCrust(Pizza Hut) = Cheese Cheese + Innovation = America! -Kyle Marks, Contributor Keep Reading

Reflections on the Art of Voice Acting

By Keith Barnes Has it really been fifty years already? It seems like just yesterday that I was cast as Garry Goat on Barnyard. I can still remember that smiling goat holding up a bag of Johnson’s Livestock Feed and saying my immortal catchphrase, “This is baaaaaaad news!” Then Chuckie Chicken would hold up Anderson’s Animal Feed and say his catchphrase, “Bak Bak Bak Buy It!” It was a simpler time, shattered by that fateful November day in Dallas. The President died and so did… Keep Reading

The Dentist is My Best Friend

On my most recent visit to the dentist, a stocky, bird-like dental hygienist greeted me and I was informed X-rays would be taken of my jaw. I followed the hygienist to the x-ray room, excited about the prospect of seeing my bone structure as I had spent the previous few weeks debating whether or not my cheekbones were average or higher than average. Thus, scientifically qualifying me as attractive. “Can you take that out?” she asked,” pointing to my gold nose ring or… Keep Reading

The Sundial Podcast Ep. 5 – We All Deserve a Second Draft

Because Sound-cloud only allows 2 hours of free audio hosting at a time, I’m afraid we’ve had to remove this embedding. BUT DON’T YOU WORRY YOUR LITTLE HEAD!! All of our episodes can be downloaded or streamed for free off of iTunes at the below URL: https://itunes.apple.com/us/podcast/the-sundial-podcast/id699669178 In this episode, Collin, Bri, Dan, and Ryan knock around definitive issues of The Sundial. Collin overuses the word behemoth and paragon. The Sundial gets a new animal mascot, Bri invites Robin Thicke to sit… Keep Reading

The Sundial Podcast Ep. 4 – Questions, Comments, and Concerns

Because Sound-cloud only allows 2 hours of free audio hosting at a time, I’m afraid we’ve had to remove this embedding. BUT DON’T YOU WORRY YOUR LITTLE HEAD!! All of our episodes can be downloaded or streamed for free off of iTunes at the below URL: https://itunes.apple.com/us/podcast/the-sundial-podcast/id699669178 In this episode, Collin, Bri, Dan, and Ryan knock around definitive issues of The Sundial. Collin overuses the word behemoth and paragon. The Sundial gets a new animal mascot, Bri invites Robin Thicke to sit… Keep Reading

The Monster from the Stagnant Duck-Pond

A dense, clammy fog rippled low across the water, tendrils coalescing in and out of existence as the mist draped itself across the lake and spilled onto the rocks therebeside. A lone bullfrog croaked out his lonely cry, and the sussurration of reeds as the autumn wind tumbled through them whispered frightful nothings into the night. Though the air was crisp with the late season, and though Libra’s Equinox had brought once more the chill winds, the air seemed yet… Keep Reading

How To Stress Yourself Out

Looking to add some distress to your frantic, chaotic life? In today’s modern world, it can often seem impossible to pile more stress on top of the mountain of things you already have to worry about. Here are some ways to get that overwhelmed feeling back in your life, perfect for days when you might just think you’re setting yourself up for productivity and satisfaction. Know your limits and show no respect for them: Write down everything you ‘need’ to… Keep Reading

Sundial Archives: “Women are Actually People Too!”

Hello, dear readers! In this issue, we take a nostalgic look at one of the first articles ever written for The Sundial, “Women are Actually People Too!” Dictated in 1911 by wealthy equestrian, Oxford transfer student, and first-time comedy writer George Vossenwinkel, it gives a rare look at a unique period in America’s history! I must confess I am a bit nervous, readers, as I’ve never tried my hand at this “comedy” before, but I do find the idea quite… Keep Reading

Seasonal Activities Re-appropriated for Autumn

For those who hate fall, but still want to fit in. Columbus Day caroling. It should be noted that there are currently no popular songs about Columbus Novemberpole festival—the spiritual cousin to the Maypole festival. This event differs by involving only one ribbon and a bunch of poles. Making butternut squash angels—like making snow angels, but messy, unsatisfying, inefficient, expensive and somehow more pointless. Celebrating Independence Day in October—fireworks, barbeques… all taking place after the equinox. There’s no wrong time… Keep Reading

5 Things Included on This List

1.) Prophecy Prophecy is a thing that is definitely on this list. It’s when a person makes a divine prediction from the heavenly father. 2.) Ouroboros A snake biting its own tail, used for symbolic purposes: a sort of circular reference. 3.) Romantic Irony When a story makes reference to the fact that it’s fiction. I’m going to utilize that technique following this colon: You’re really going to enjoy the last two entries. I’m this piece’s creator so I know.… Keep Reading

Your Weekly Sundial Horoscopes 2!

Hello, beloved readers of The Sundial. I called up God the other day, (Yeah, I have his number), and I got his secretary, Becky. “You have those horoscopes for me today?” I asked. “Right here, Mr. Fogle! Oh, and God says hi!” She responded. “G-man!!” I said, “Tell him I say holla!” Becky’s a great girl. Anyway, she gave me the following horoscopes. Without further ado, here are your fates: Aquarius- Ohhhh, Gemini is in the third house of Jupiter… Keep Reading

Shameless Self-Promotion Night: The Live Webcast

Have you ever wondered what a meeting of Sundial people looks like but were too embarrassed about that thing that’s going on with your face to show up to a meeting? Well now you can watch funny people interact from the comfort and privacy of your dark, empty dorm room. http://twitcam.livestream.com/fg8qo Keep Reading

Entire Fraternity Revealed to Be Sheep in Human-Costumes

(Columbus, OH) In an unexpected turn of events, nearly every member of the fraternity Alpha Alpha Delta was recently revealed to be a fully-grown sheep wearing an elaborate disguise. The truth came out at a social function when one brother’s gloves fell off, exposing the distinctive cloved hooves of escaped livestock wrapped around a red solo cup. One of his brothers standing nearby was heard to say: “Dude, are you a sheep too?” before taking off his coiffed wig and… Keep Reading

Americans Confused by Lack of Syrian Invasion

Expressing impatience and confusion, Americans are starting to wonder when President Obama is going to finally just send some troops to indefinitely occupy Syria. “I just thought that was our thing,” Hartford, Connecticut resident Susan Hayworth said. “It’s like, if we’re not going to invade Syria, then what are we going to invade?” Many people are starting to wonder why they have not seen any recent news footage of U.S. personnel carriers scanning Syrian roads for IEDs or heartfelt high… Keep Reading