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Politically Correct Holiday Carols #4

I Wish it was Holiday Today O Secular Night Silver Instruments Little Drummer Person I Saw Mommy Kissing Non-Denominational Gift Giver Infant Secular, Infant Lowly Dance of the Sugar-Plum [Word that isn’t also a Slur] Good King Wenceslas (Although Not that good because Monarchy is an Outdated form of Government) Jingle Instruments Frosty the Snow-Person It’s the Most Wonderful Time of the Year (Except the Other Times which are Also Wonderful) You’ve Probably had a Pretty Hard Upbringing, Mr. Grinch… Keep Reading

A Millennial Holiday

A Millennial Holiday Leave Santa some Avocado toast And a protein smoothie He will thank us later Hannukah is a thing Keep them candles lit, fam And let’s 90% of black people don’t celebrate Kwanza Stop asking us about it. DAB! Food, Fam, Friends -Mara Sydnor, Senior Staff Member Keep Reading

Secret Santa Gifts and Their White Elephant Equivalents

Secret Santa: A copy of your favorite book with a little, handwritten note about the joy this particular book brought to the gift giver. White Elephant: The old copy of that book they used to read until they got ketchup on pages 14-16, 18, and 178. Secret Santa: A collection of old photographs and memories of the two of you lovingly collected in a sweet scrapbook. White Elephant: A box full of old photos and trophies that the person really… Keep Reading

Oval Preacher Converts Student

Ohio State was shocked this Tuesday when a fellow student reportedly walked towards the Oval preacher and asked how he could accept Jesus as his Lord and Savior. Onlookers were astounded, having never seen anyone break the mutually unspoken rule of maintaining a 9.7ft radius of dead space around the preacher. “I was shook,” commented third-year student Jared Wyner, who managed to capture ten seconds of the exchange on Snapchat video. “This Oval guy has probably told me that I’m… Keep Reading

To Pimp A Reindeer: Part 2

Beat: “Street Knowledge” by BadBadNotGood & Ghostface Killah [Verse 1] Mrs. Livingston, never had a real Thanksgiving Now’s her chance to make amends for all the time she spent alone They’re coming soon; she’s prepared a real turkey dinner With green beans, and stuffing too, and pumpkin pie that’ll make you cry The tables set, they all walk in nd take a seat The smell whiffs up and hits their noses They adjust their clothes and strike their poses [Bridge]… Keep Reading

To Pimp A Reindeer: Part 1

Beat: “Stark’s Reality” by BadBadNotGood & Ghostface Killah [Verse 1: Santa Claus] Ho, ho, ho, to the motherfuckin’ toaster Yo, Santa here, comin’ through loud and clear Pimpin’ golden horseshoes on my reindeer Fuck a Spanish Inquisition this a crusade I’m coming prematurely this year and I’m stealing all the holidays I’m a god to these people, I deserve my own pantheon But I’m just getting started so you better keep your panties on I’m long gone, clock ticking ‘,… Keep Reading

The Chicken and the Egg

Preface: The following story is so incredibly nonsensical that Donald J. Trump is the only person who understood every word of it. Written as part of a cruel, sick game, four comedy writers were forced against their wills to write a story without communicating with one another and only had one sentence to go off of: “As he looked at the bird semen in front of his omelet, he knew the chicken came before the egg.” Baffled by the vulgar… Keep Reading

Vampire’s Delight (feat. Frankenstein’s Monster & Casper the Friendly Ghost)

Lyrics: [Verse 1: Dracula] I’m a vampire, welcome to my castle Make you a Bloody Mary, girl, it’s no hassle You drink, I drink, it’s all good That’s how we do it in my hood Your neck is next in my queue Netflix and chill while I bite you Suck your blood while you’re brain dead with Twin Peaks Twin fangs pierce skin, bleed out, you can’t speak Your corpse I toss in the old creek Fly off in the… Keep Reading

A Letter from Your Zombie Secret Admirer

The following letter has been translated by renown Undead Anthropologist Dr. V Franks. My dearest beloved, I know this letter must come as a surprise. After all, who am I to claim the affections of a maiden so rare and beautiful? And yet these words have found their way to your stunning eyes. I may lurk in the shadows, forced to walk between dusk and dawn, but I still know radiance when I see it. You, my love, are radiant.… Keep Reading

Ask Amy – Spookily Single

Dear Amy, Halloween is just around the corner and I’m having a serious costume emergency. My friends and I were talking and I tried suggesting going as the adorable cast of F.R.I.E.N.D.s, but they won’t have it. Worst of all, they’ve all decided to go in cute couple’s costumes, and I’ve got no one to pair up with. I need an idea for a costume so good that it will blow all of their stupid store-bought peanut butter and jelly… Keep Reading

A Ghost’s Love Story

She moved into his home years ago. She lived alone, with an old tabby cat as her only companion. She was quiet and reserved, left for work every morning at 7:15 am, and returned at 5:30 pm, ordered Chinese take-out, and ate alone in front of the T.V. until she sighed and went to bed. He was dead, and had been for decades, but lived eternally as a young adult ghost, forced to stay within the confines of the single… Keep Reading

9 Shitty Dudes in Costumes You Will Meet This Halloween

1. Girl He went all out. He’s wearing a skirt and a tube top he borrowed from his sister’s closet. He’s even wearing high heels and eyeliner. He was wearing a wig for the first half of the night but insisted it made him look “too pretty” and he left it at his pregame (which is just what he calls him having a beer waiting for his friend Paul to pick him up). He will not forgo the heels at… Keep Reading

Upstanding Christian Woman Drops F Bomb After Having The Living Bejeezus Scared Out of Her

BIRMINGHAM– On Halloween night, the three Howard triplets dressed up as Pennywise, Slenderman, and Freddy Kreuger, then positioned themselves behind Mrs. Carol Windham’s hedges. Carol, a moral absolutist and leader in a Southern Baptist church who describes Halloween as “a holiday celebrating the anti-Christ that only hell-bound satanists enjoy”, was walking up her driveway with grocery bags in arms when the three boys jumped out from behind the hedge, scaring Carol shitless turdless. According to another teen nearby with a… Keep Reading

HGTV’s House Haunters

With their historic house being torn down, Bert and Maude Cabbott are an unrested couple looking for an old-character home with a promising family to torment. Bert is dying for an unfinished basement to move around old furniture and make the residing family’s hair rise as they ask each other, “What was that!?”  Maude, on the other hand, is looking for a big master bathroom that offers her double-sinks to sporadically turn on in the middle of the night and… Keep Reading


No. It couldn’t be. Not now. Please, not now. Oh no. It is. Must hurry. Will hunt me. Can’t hide. Where is it? Oh no. No time. Time’s up. It’s here. Flying. Circling. Me. Boom. Blue. Dead. Gone. 2nd Place. Forget this, who needs Mario Kart anyway? -Michael Patton, Contributor Keep Reading

Monster in the Oval Office

Four young people sit around the campfire. They have been sharing scary stories all night. Sam is next. “Skin orange as a moldy pumpkin. Mouth like an asshole, constantly spewing shit. And hands the size as his penis (micro).” Sam begins the story. “OMG, stop I can’t take it.” Another person screams. “Rumor is if you kneel in the woods in front of a flagpole and say billions and billions and billions he appears behind and whispers in your ear,… Keep Reading

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