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9 Shitty Dudes in Costumes You Will Meet This Halloween

1. Girl He went all out. He’s wearing a skirt and a tube top he borrowed from his sister’s closet. He’s even wearing high heels and eyeliner. He was wearing a wig for the first half of the night but insisted it made him look “too pretty” and he left it at his pregame (which is just what he calls him having a beer waiting for his friend Paul to pick him up). He will not forgo the heels at… Keep Reading

Upstanding Christian Woman Drops F Bomb After Having The Living Bejeezus Scared Out of Her

BIRMINGHAM– On Halloween night, the three Howard triplets dressed up as Pennywise, Slenderman, and Freddy Kreuger, then positioned themselves behind Mrs. Carol Windham’s hedges. Carol, a moral absolutist and leader in a Southern Baptist church who describes Halloween as “a holiday celebrating the anti-Christ that only hell-bound satanists enjoy”, was walking up her driveway with grocery bags in arms when the three boys jumped out from behind the hedge, scaring Carol shitless turdless. According to another teen nearby with a… Keep Reading

HGTV’s House Haunters

With their historic house being torn down, Bert and Maude Cabbott are an unrested couple looking for an old-character home with a promising family to torment. Bert is dying for an unfinished basement to move around old furniture and make the residing family’s hair rise as they ask each other, “What was that!?”  Maude, on the other hand, is looking for a big master bathroom that offers her double-sinks to sporadically turn on in the middle of the night and… Keep Reading


No. It couldn’t be. Not now. Please, not now. Oh no. It is. Must hurry. Will hunt me. Can’t hide. Where is it? Oh no. No time. Time’s up. It’s here. Flying. Circling. Me. Boom. Blue. Dead. Gone. 2nd Place. Forget this, who needs Mario Kart anyway? -Michael Patton, Contributor Keep Reading

Monster in the Oval Office

Four young people sit around the campfire. They have been sharing scary stories all night. Sam is next. “Skin orange as a moldy pumpkin. Mouth like an asshole, constantly spewing shit. And hands the size as his penis (micro).” Sam begins the story. “OMG, stop I can’t take it.” Another person screams. “Rumor is if you kneel in the woods in front of a flagpole and say billions and billions and billions he appears behind and whispers in your ear,… Keep Reading

There Will Come Soft Political Careers

7 o’clock: “America the Beautiful” plays as the shudders in the Frankfort, Kentucky mansion rise and let in the fresh-faced sun, beaming through the lone cloud in the sky. RISE AND SHINE. TIME TO MAKE AMERICA GREAT AGAIN.THE DAY IS NOVEMBER 3rd, 2020, screams the bedside clock to the empty room while downstairs and down the baby-blue hall lined with portraits of old white men wearing increasingly tackier shirts, the oven pops out a fried egg and a piece of… Keep Reading

Supernatural Fan Fiction

Disclaimer: I have never seen an episode of Supernatural. Nevertheless, here is my Supernatural fanfiction. Enjoy! The One Where They Fight Spooky Monsters Sam, Dean, and Misha Collins were driving down Transylvania Avenue when they noticed a spooky glow in the distance. “What is that spooky glow?” Said the always astute Sam. “I don’t know.” Said Misha Collins, who was useless to the team and never provided any information of value. “Probably a monster that will be fun to fight.”… Keep Reading

Top 5 Spook-tacular Halloween Party Themes

Halloween is the perfect time for all things terrifying, and a Halloween Party is the perfect place to display your sense of scary. Whether you’re 9 or 99, here’s a list of spooky party themes that are sure to be the talk of the town. 1. Pumpkin Patch Ages: 0-10+ Number of People: 20-30 Possible Locations: Outside in the crisp fall air Description: A cute patch for the little pumpkin in your life. Complete with a hayride and pumpkin painting… Keep Reading

My Dreams Are Back

October 18th Dear Diary, It happened again. I’ve woken up in the middle of the night in a cold sweat. I’m once again haunted by my own thoughts. My dreams loom over me much like the fog in those weird ass Riverdale promos where they were standing in the water. Like seriously, they were just standing there looking spooky and there’s that one where Cheryl is laying on her side? Anyways, back to my skeletons. My dream begins with me… Keep Reading

Cute Things To Say On A First Date

Does this Arby’s validate parking? What do you think the mass of an average acorn squash is? In grams and lbs? Do you think cockroaches know that people hate them? Take a position and then write an 8-10 sentence paragraph citing examples from the text. Sorry if I seem tense, it’s just been so long since I’ve inhabited a body. Oh, golly gee I can’t even remember the last time I went out on a date with someone that wasn’t… Keep Reading

Open Letter to Ira Glass

Preface: This summer I traveled to San Francisco on the California Zephyr in order to come of age. I recorded a podcast about my experience for This American Life. So far This American Life has yet to reimburse me for my expenses, which I find insulting and ridiculous. In retaliation, I’ve decided to post this open letter on every site that will publish it until I’m compensated for my work. Thank you.  Dear Ira Glass, I’m going to cut straight to… Keep Reading

Local Dad Polishes Off New Balances For A Night Out

Local cool dad, Dave Smith, uses swag juice to polish New Balances for a “night out” with the office. “Holy foot, Sharon put way too much mayonnaise on my sandwich this morning,” said Dave Smith. Dave Smith was looking to get away from the wife and kids to have conversations about business and taxes with Doug from Marketing. Doug from Marketing says, “at least your New Balances are looking fresh.” And they fucked the whole night through. = Mara Sydnor, Maddie… Keep Reading

Thoughts from the Guy who Wears a Beret in your European History class

Bernie should have won It’s really annoying how Marx dominates discussion of socialism, like what about (insert totally butchered name of a Russian left-anarchist that lived in the late 1800s) There it is again. See, why do people on Twitter always make fun of white guys in trench coats. They look is classy Business idea: An army jacket that’s as long as a trench coat. A perfect wedding of the suave coat with the rugged army jacket that is functionally… Keep Reading

Local Mom is THIS Close

DAYTON – Kristen Henry-Jacobson, 38-year-old mother of two almost snapped Saturday afternoon. After listening to her two children scream about who gets the copy of The Emoji Movie to watch on the trip to Grandma’s house, Kristen had to pull the car over. Her two children, Braxxtin and Mikaley, were witnesses to the events following. “She held up her hand and made that little sign with her fingers about half an inch apart to let us know exactly how close… Keep Reading

Translating Lyrics: Out of the Woods

Lyrics: Looking at it now It all seems so simple We were lying on your couch I remember Translation: Taylor remembers a certain time when she and another person (supposedly a significant other, but it could be any number of people, such as a family member, or Al Gore) were lying on a couch. It was simple because they were just lying on a couch. Lyric: You took a Polaroid of us Translation: Al Gore took a polaroid, which is… Keep Reading


Oh ya, I know what you want this year, a spicy, titillating 350 page brick of knowledge or thicc thesaurus dropped into your mailbox by your preferred deliverer of smut. We here at The Sundial know your deepest desires to stay up late at night when your roommate is out with your nose just BURIED in some professor’s tenure trap. So here we go, the most saucy, confoundingly brilliant, “a little droll,” nerd nuggets out there. 1. Budget Theory in… Keep Reading

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