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Sundial Originals

Prose, poetry, lists, and other miscellaneous pieces written by The Sundial Staff for the express purpose of making you laugh. We know you all need it. Especially you, Denise.

The Chicken and the Egg

Preface: The following story is so incredibly nonsensical that Donald J. Trump is the only person who understood every word of it. Written as part of a cruel, sick game, four comedy writers were forced against their wills to write a story without communicating with one another and only had one sentence to go off of: “As he looked at the bird semen in front of his omelet, he knew the chicken came before the egg.” Baffled by the vulgar… Keep Reading

Vampire’s Delight (feat. Frankenstein’s Monster & Casper the Friendly Ghost)

Lyrics: [Verse 1: Dracula] I’m a vampire, welcome to my castle Make you a Bloody Mary, girl, it’s no hassle You drink, I drink, it’s all good That’s how we do it in my hood Your neck is next in my queue Netflix and chill while I bite you Suck your blood while you’re brain dead with Twin Peaks Twin fangs pierce skin, bleed out, you can’t speak Your corpse I toss in the old creek Fly off in the… Keep Reading

A Letter from Your Zombie Secret Admirer

The following letter has been translated by renown Undead Anthropologist Dr. V Franks. My dearest beloved, I know this letter must come as a surprise. After all, who am I to claim the affections of a maiden so rare and beautiful? And yet these words have found their way to your stunning eyes. I may lurk in the shadows, forced to walk between dusk and dawn, but I still know radiance when I see it. You, my love, are radiant.… Keep Reading

Ask Amy – Spookily Single

Dear Amy, Halloween is just around the corner and I’m having a serious costume emergency. My friends and I were talking and I tried suggesting going as the adorable cast of F.R.I.E.N.D.s, but they won’t have it. Worst of all, they’ve all decided to go in cute couple’s costumes, and I’ve got no one to pair up with. I need an idea for a costume so good that it will blow all of their stupid store-bought peanut butter and jelly… Keep Reading

A Ghost’s Love Story

She moved into his home years ago. She lived alone, with an old tabby cat as her only companion. She was quiet and reserved, left for work every morning at 7:15 am, and returned at 5:30 pm, ordered Chinese take-out, and ate alone in front of the T.V. until she sighed and went to bed. He was dead, and had been for decades, but lived eternally as a young adult ghost, forced to stay within the confines of the single… Keep Reading

9 Shitty Dudes in Costumes You Will Meet This Halloween

1. Girl He went all out. He’s wearing a skirt and a tube top he borrowed from his sister’s closet. He’s even wearing high heels and eyeliner. He was wearing a wig for the first half of the night but insisted it made him look “too pretty” and he left it at his pregame (which is just what he calls him having a beer waiting for his friend Paul to pick him up). He will not forgo the heels at… Keep Reading

Upstanding Christian Woman Drops F Bomb After Having The Living Bejeezus Scared Out of Her

BIRMINGHAM– On Halloween night, the three Howard triplets dressed up as Pennywise, Slenderman, and Freddy Kreuger, then positioned themselves behind Mrs. Carol Windham’s hedges. Carol, a moral absolutist and leader in a Southern Baptist church who describes Halloween as “a holiday celebrating the anti-Christ that only hell-bound satanists enjoy”, was walking up her driveway with grocery bags in arms when the three boys jumped out from behind the hedge, scaring Carol shitless turdless. According to another teen nearby with a… Keep Reading

HGTV’s House Haunters

With their historic house being torn down, Bert and Maude Cabbott are an unrested couple looking for an old-character home with a promising family to torment. Bert is dying for an unfinished basement to move around old furniture and make the residing family’s hair rise as they ask each other, “What was that!?”  Maude, on the other hand, is looking for a big master bathroom that offers her double-sinks to sporadically turn on in the middle of the night and… Keep Reading

Blue

No. It couldn’t be. Not now. Please, not now. Oh no. It is. Must hurry. Will hunt me. Can’t hide. Where is it? Oh no. No time. Time’s up. It’s here. Flying. Circling. Me. Boom. Blue. Dead. Gone. 2nd Place. Forget this, who needs Mario Kart anyway? -Michael Patton, Contributor Keep Reading

Monster in the Oval Office

Four young people sit around the campfire. They have been sharing scary stories all night. Sam is next. “Skin orange as a moldy pumpkin. Mouth like an asshole, constantly spewing shit. And hands the size as his penis (micro).” Sam begins the story. “OMG, stop I can’t take it.” Another person screams. “Rumor is if you kneel in the woods in front of a flagpole and say billions and billions and billions he appears behind and whispers in your ear,… Keep Reading

There Will Come Soft Political Careers

7 o’clock: “America the Beautiful” plays as the shudders in the Frankfort, Kentucky mansion rise and let in the fresh-faced sun, beaming through the lone cloud in the sky. RISE AND SHINE. TIME TO MAKE AMERICA GREAT AGAIN.THE DAY IS NOVEMBER 3rd, 2020, screams the bedside clock to the empty room while downstairs and down the baby-blue hall lined with portraits of old white men wearing increasingly tackier shirts, the oven pops out a fried egg and a piece of… Keep Reading

Supernatural Fan Fiction

Disclaimer: I have never seen an episode of Supernatural. Nevertheless, here is my Supernatural fanfiction. Enjoy! The One Where They Fight Spooky Monsters Sam, Dean, and Misha Collins were driving down Transylvania Avenue when they noticed a spooky glow in the distance. “What is that spooky glow?” Said the always astute Sam. “I don’t know.” Said Misha Collins, who was useless to the team and never provided any information of value. “Probably a monster that will be fun to fight.”… Keep Reading

Top 5 Spook-tacular Halloween Party Themes

Halloween is the perfect time for all things terrifying, and a Halloween Party is the perfect place to display your sense of scary. Whether you’re 9 or 99, here’s a list of spooky party themes that are sure to be the talk of the town. 1. Pumpkin Patch Ages: 0-10+ Number of People: 20-30 Possible Locations: Outside in the crisp fall air Description: A cute patch for the little pumpkin in your life. Complete with a hayride and pumpkin painting… Keep Reading

My Dreams Are Back

October 18th Dear Diary, It happened again. I’ve woken up in the middle of the night in a cold sweat. I’m once again haunted by my own thoughts. My dreams loom over me much like the fog in those weird ass Riverdale promos where they were standing in the water. Like seriously, they were just standing there looking spooky and there’s that one where Cheryl is laying on her side? Anyways, back to my skeletons. My dream begins with me… Keep Reading

Cute Things To Say On A First Date

Does this Arby’s validate parking? What do you think the mass of an average acorn squash is? In grams and lbs? Do you think cockroaches know that people hate them? Take a position and then write an 8-10 sentence paragraph citing examples from the text. Sorry if I seem tense, it’s just been so long since I’ve inhabited a body. Oh, golly gee I can’t even remember the last time I went out on a date with someone that wasn’t… Keep Reading

Open Letter to Ira Glass

Preface: This summer I traveled to San Francisco on the California Zephyr in order to come of age. I recorded a podcast about my experience for This American Life. So far This American Life has yet to reimburse me for my expenses, which I find insulting and ridiculous. In retaliation, I’ve decided to post this open letter on every site that will publish it until I’m compensated for my work. Thank you.  Dear Ira Glass, I’m going to cut straight to… Keep Reading

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