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Sundial Originals

Prose, poetry, lists, and other miscellaneous pieces written by The Sundial Staff for the express purpose of making you laugh. We know you all need it. Especially you, Denise.

From Skirts to Cargo Shorts: American Girl Targets a New Audience

American Girl dolls have been a part of American pop culture for decades. First arising in 1986, the company sold dolls of girls along with books describing the inspiring stories of the characters these dolls represented. These were some of the most sought-out items by young girls all over the country (and boys; I found a Kit Kittredge doll in my Dad’s old belongings). These dolls and stories even inspired cinematic masterpieces such as Samantha: An American Girl Holiday and… Keep Reading

The Menu From the Diner That’s Basically A Nursing Home

Soups and Salads – Each cup of soup comes with exactly one Saltine cracker. Old People Soup – Your grandpa seems to like it, but we certainly don’t know what it is. $2.99 Clam Chowder – Practically a bowl of hot water. $3.49 The Token Salad – There are greens in it, we think, but we won’t specify further. $TOOMU.CH Sandwiches – Each sandwich comes with soggy, “homemade” chips, but you can pay $2.49 extra to receive the fries you… Keep Reading

9 Ways to Utilize Your 1 Moment of Privacy

1. Put all of your roommates’ dishes and silverware onto the counter, spit on them, and exhale warmly on them to pretend that you are an industrial-strength dishwasher 2. Floss twice to scare future plaque away (so you won’t have to floss for two days) 3. Lie down on the ground and lick up a whole carpet, fiber by fiber, while humming loudly to pretend that you are a diligent vacuum cleaner 4. Spin around and knock EVERYTHING onto the… Keep Reading

Haikus From Just Outside The Frat House

it’s thirsty thursday across the street bros gather getting real hammered all these khaki shorts salmon polos and new shoes douchebag’s uniform thumping bass echoes shaking the old thin walls so much autotune it is three thirty so please stop “woo”-ing so loud what does it get you he reaches the tree will he puke or piss or poop oh no it’s all three when the morning comes no one will recall tonight but instagram will twelve voices become one… Keep Reading

Kitchen Strike Leaves College Students Cooking for Kennedy

COLUMBUS – During the largest riot in Ohio State history, the chiefs at Kennedy Commons refused to prepare their signature dishes. The head cook leading the riot was quoted as saying, “We’re sick of the repetitive recipes and bland, spiceless entrees. We’re artists, not teenagers.” She then stormed off, followed by every Kennedy Commons employee making more than minimum wage. The Sundial caught up with Connor, a student dishwasher turned head chief. “We don’t really know what we’re doing,” admitted… Keep Reading

5K Fundraiser Runs: Your Guide to Becoming a World Champion

Ever since the dawn of time, man has competed with one another to see who is the best. Who is the strongest? Who is the smartest? Although some people compete in the Olympics or Jeopardy to determine this, there is only one competition that can show who the champions of the world are. And yes, that competition is a 5k fundraiser run. Everyone knows about 5k fundraiser runs. Many organizations use them as a great way to raise money. This… Keep Reading

William Oxley Thompson Bust In Namesake’s Library To Be Replaced

(Doug) Courtesy of Mr. Doug Friday, March 2, 2018: The bust of William Oxley Thompson is a staple at the front of Thompson library, but after years of wear and tear, the statue will be taken off display for refurbishment. Ohio State students often rub the top of the bust’s head for good fortune on upcoming tests, so some students worry the refurbishment will kill the tradition. Ohio State Spokesman, Benjamin Davey, said students should not worry about losing their… Keep Reading

A Letter Regarding the Work Ethics of Olympic Athletes

Dear Athletes: All your accomplishments are due to innovations in technology. Your work ethic has little to do with the fame and fortune you have earned with it. Your cleats, running shoes, cross country skis, bodysuits, and curling brooms are all products of people smarter than you. These technological advancements exist solely to generate capital for your agents, networks, and managers. I, a man who has been glued to his couch, swigging down Bud Light after Bud Light, have every… Keep Reading


INT. A COFFEE SHOP – DAY Various skinny, man-bunned, crop-top wearing people sit around in a coffee shop called Drip. Some type on their sticker-covered laptops, others fiddle with their phones and take pictures with their drinks. All four walls are maroon, as are the employee’s uniforms, the logo, and almost everything else in sight. Two twenty-somethings, Stephen and Gwen, enter the shop. Gwen, in her infinity scarf and large lensless glasses, fits in nicely, while Stephen, in cargo pants… Keep Reading

A Letter to a Mailman from Sam

Dear Mailman person, I’ve noticed lately how hard you work delivering the neighborhood’s mail and I just wanted to write you this letter to celebrate your effort. Day in and day out you work tirelessly to deliver the mail, regardless of rain, snow, or shine. Because of you I’ve gotten important mail that improves my daily life. I am just so grateful that there are great people that work as hard as you to make sure that the post will… Keep Reading

Haikus From My Boring Business Class

eight in the morning financing and logistics and not precious sleep doctor leigh enters monotony incarnate wielding powerpoints here we go again more rambling about markets i would rather die read this business book because you need to know more worthless platitudes i think she just said synergistic management unironically stare out the window see your life rush past your eyes miss a quiz answer what does this chart mean so many arrows yet no sense of direction cavemen had… Keep Reading

Kindling: Like Tinder, but for Life!

Ladies, are you tired of constantly fending off fuckboys and their uncreative pick-up lines? Men, are you tired of being fuckboys with uncreative pick-up lines? This year, avoid the messy hookups and get what you’re really looking for: a partner to have and to hold for the rest of your life. Introducing Kindling, a dating app that is like Tinder, but for arranged marriages. To register, simply begin by filling out the Buzzfeed quiz, “Build a perfect partner, and we’ll… Keep Reading

50 Ways to Leave Your Lover

I am unsure if Paul Simon realized, but his song “50 Ways to Leave Your Lover” is misleading. Perhaps this was a simple typo and he meant to title the song “5 Ways to Leave Your Lover” as that’s all he provided us. Or, it could possibly be that he is just embarrassingly bad at counting. Nonetheless, and 43 years too late, I managed to muster up the rest of the 45 ways. So, here’s to you, Mr. Simon. Just… Keep Reading

This American Life: The Lost Segment – Transcript

Ira: Welcome back to This American Life, I’m Ira Glass. Act three: Thug Life. Sometimes, it’s hard to know when you’ve crossed the line. This is especially true when you’re growing up, and it can lead people to do some things they wouldn’t otherwise consider. Richard Carn has our next story. Richard: Introduce yourself real quick, if you would. Connor: Hello, I’m Connor, I’m currently a sophomore, and I… where should I start? Richard: I guess just start from the… Keep Reading

Two Students Go On Date After Definitely Not Meeting On Tinder

COLUMBUS – After a self-described “three-year dry-spell,” Ohio State University student Tim Daly was happy to report that he went on a date with a fellow student who he met completely organically through face-to-face, interpersonal social interaction. The unlikely couple met for “definitely not” the first time at Cazuela’s Mexican Restaurant on High Street, where they made awkward, entry-level conversation while pulling back jumbo margaritas for $5 a piece. Tim’s date, Carly Jenson, reported that the date was, “a little… Keep Reading

The Last Stand

Leonidas splashed water on his face and stared into the full length mirror adjacent to the sink. The year 480 B.C. had been relatively normal for him, he thought, even though he was the captain of the Spartan volleyball team. Spring and Summer were spent rigorously training for the Fall season just like the three years before, the only difference was that he led the workouts and tonight, he will be the one to lead the team onto the court.… Keep Reading

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