America's Funniest College Humor Magazine Since 1911

Category archive

Text

This is where we turn text into funnies.

6 Reasons Nick Jonas is Still Your Dream Man

Seriously? You clicked on this? Honestly, I’m not really surprised at all but like this is just about the worst time waster on the internet. And I have to WRITE these for a living. Honestly, I hate this job. Coming out of college as an English major was tough, and I took the first job I could get. I never thought I’d end up writing for a shitty BuzzFeed knockoff as a kid but here I am. I wrote a NOVEL. Can’t an editor… Keep Reading

Review of The Parent Trap

This is a movie about twins and trapping your parents. It starts when these girls meet at camp and they look like each other. But, they can’t be twins because one is from America and one is from, I think, Australia. The American twin is played by the girl from Herby Fully Loaded and the British one is played by that red-head from Mean Girls. Anyways, turns out they are sisters. They eat Oreos and peanut butter. They each have… Keep Reading

21 Things You’ll Probably Believe About Macaulay Culkin

Macaulay Culkin, child-star of the Home Alone movies, has lived a private life, and we have many questions that remain unanswered about him. What kind of cereal does he like? What time does he go to bed every night? When will he return my blouse? There isn’t very much verifiable information about Macauley Culkin, but that’s okay, because you are gullible, and you won’t question anything that we make up and publish about him. So here are 21 things you’ll… Keep Reading

Doctors have NO idea how CLICKBAIT works!

Doctors still have no idea how click bait works. I mean, why would they? They’re so busy treating their own patients that they don’t have time to learn the design rhetoric necessary to make a clickbait thumbnail. I mean, why would they? It’s not like clickbait could be used to deliver safe and accurate medical advice from professionals to a mass market of media consumers. It just not feasible and there is no money to be had in it for… Keep Reading

Inner Monologue: Staying at Home Alone Over Summer Break Edition

Boop boop boop, bored bored bored. What is there to do? Eat? Ya, I’m gonna do that. Nothing to eat but stale tortilla chips and white chocolate chip macadamia nut cookie dough… Whole pieces of cookie dough are making my stomach hurt. Okay, so Tums, some aspirin, and now I need to nap. Just put on some tv as white noise so I can’t hear the demons. Family Guy? That’s fine I guess. Damn this show is awful. But now… Keep Reading

Ask Amy- Frantic Finals Fanatic

Dear Amy, I can’t type this final paper. Every time I try to put pencil to paper my mind just goes blank. I can’t construct a thoughtful rhetorical argument about the cause of political divide in the German political system and I can’t spout the pros and cons of a parliamentary system and I can’t even remember what constitutes a proper sentence without running on and not just get it over. This essay is due the last day of class… Keep Reading

The Pros and Cons of Capitalism

Pro: Chipotle Con: Guac costs extra   Pro:  Cookouts Con: Hamburger buns come in packages of 8 but hamburgers come in packages of 6.   Pro: You can buy tater tots whenever you want Con: You can buy tater tots whenever you want   Pro: Black Friday Sales Con: The Black Market   Con: The McRib Pro: This sandwich is only available for limited periods of time   Pro: Pet rocks Con: The prison industrial complex   Pro: Bitcoin?  … Keep Reading

Scott Commons Swallowed in a Fiery Hell Pit

COLUMBUS—Earlier this afternoon, the dining establishment Traditions at Scott was swallowed into a fiery sinkhole. Witnesses reported hearing a cacophony of screams and seeing the building disappear into flames from a garish hell pit. The geology department maintains that the sinkhole was caused by liquefaction of the soil underneath. We reached out to the department to comment, and Dr. Piedras provided this statement: “After conducting extensive soil analyses on the flaming pit that was Traditions at Scott, the Department of… Keep Reading

5 Reasons I’d Sell My Soul to a Ladybug

I make an unusual number of comments about selling my soul. Whether that’s saying “I would 100% sell my soul for a piece of cake right now” or “I would 100% sell my soul for $2.00 to buy some glitter stickers,” I’m usually putting my soul up for grabs in one way or another. But I sat down to reflect on who or even what I would actually sell my soul to. If I cared, at all, about the fate… Keep Reading

Sonnet for a Grilled Cheese Sandwich

  How dearly do I wish to sample thee, So gently tucked between each slice of bread, The golden treasure of amorphous cheese. Enraptured am I, bliss flits through my head In manner unlike any meal before Could ever cause within my fragile frame. What greater earthly pleasure, yes, what more Could mortal man of right mind seek to claim Beyond the simple decadence of this. A simple dish the sandwich. Even still To be yet simpler, and yet not… Keep Reading

Review of Spy Kids 3D: Game Over

    This is the third movie in the original Spy Kids trilogy. By now, we all know the characters and their special kid spy skills. This movie is cool because it is 3D and about video games. This movie has so much stuff in it, I bet it’s over three hours long. Anyways, turns out Big Time Rush’s girlfriend is lost and TJ Taylor from Wizards of Waverly Place has to find her in a virtual reality video game. But… Keep Reading

17 Ways to Start an Essay

Just in case you’re having a little trouble getting down that first paragraph, here are a few words of advice. The I In With Considering There This An As When If Over It A Many Someone Whether –Hannah Wagner, Senior Staff Member Keep Reading

1 2 3 37