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Sundial Originals

Prose, poetry, lists, and other miscellaneous pieces written by The Sundial Staff for the express purpose of making you laugh. We know you all need it. Especially you, Denise.

Kindling: Like Tinder, but for Life!

Ladies, are you tired of constantly fending off fuckboys and their uncreative pick-up lines? Men, are you tired of being fuckboys with uncreative pick-up lines? This year, avoid the messy hookups and get what you’re really looking for: a partner to have and to hold for the rest of your life. Introducing Kindling, a dating app that is like Tinder, but for arranged marriages. To register, simply begin by filling out the Buzzfeed quiz, “Build a perfect partner, and we’ll… Keep Reading

50 Ways to Leave Your Lover

I am unsure if Paul Simon realized, but his song “50 Ways to Leave Your Lover” is misleading. Perhaps this was a simple typo and he meant to title the song “5 Ways to Leave Your Lover” as that’s all he provided us. Or, it could possibly be that he is just embarrassingly bad at counting. Nonetheless, and 43 years too late, I managed to muster up the rest of the 45 ways. So, here’s to you, Mr. Simon. Just… Keep Reading

This American Life: The Lost Segment – Transcript

Ira: Welcome back to This American Life, I’m Ira Glass. Act three: Thug Life. Sometimes, it’s hard to know when you’ve crossed the line. This is especially true when you’re growing up, and it can lead people to do some things they wouldn’t otherwise consider. Richard Carn has our next story. Richard: Introduce yourself real quick, if you would. Connor: Hello, I’m Connor, I’m currently a sophomore, and I… where should I start? Richard: I guess just start from the… Keep Reading

Two Students Go On Date After Definitely Not Meeting On Tinder

COLUMBUS – After a self-described “three-year dry-spell,” Ohio State University student Tim Daly was happy to report that he went on a date with a fellow student who he met completely organically through face-to-face, interpersonal social interaction. The unlikely couple met for “definitely not” the first time at Cazuela’s Mexican Restaurant on High Street, where they made awkward, entry-level conversation while pulling back jumbo margaritas for $5 a piece. Tim’s date, Carly Jenson, reported that the date was, “a little… Keep Reading

The Last Stand

Leonidas splashed water on his face and stared into the full length mirror adjacent to the sink. The year 480 B.C. had been relatively normal for him, he thought, even though he was the captain of the Spartan volleyball team. Spring and Summer were spent rigorously training for the Fall season just like the three years before, the only difference was that he led the workouts and tonight, he will be the one to lead the team onto the court.… Keep Reading

Please Stop Writing Articles About Me!

Dear Stav, So, it came to my attention that an article was written about me in something called the “Sundial Humor Magazine.” I don’t think that’s a hardcore gaming magazine, because I haven’t read it before, so I don’t want my name anywhere near it. It turns out someone I matched with on tinder took umbrage with the fact that I asked her to hang out. I’m not happy having my good name besmirched on the internet for all to see,… Keep Reading

Top 10 Things Only Kids Named “Eli Gardner” Will Relate To

For Eli Gardner 1. 2000s Columbus Man, this list is already killing it. I bet all you Eli Gardners who grew up in Columbus during the 2000s are like “wow, I relate to this.” 2. When your favorite celebrity is Gail Simmons and not a Kardashian Let me guess what you’re thinking: “How the hell did you know my deep admiration for Top Chef judge Gail Simmons” and that’s because this is a relatable list just for you, Eli Gardner.… Keep Reading

Sundial Person of the Year for Elijah Saiger

For Elijah Saiger Little is known about our fearless leader here at The Sundial. Since both the New York Times and the Wall Street Journal ignored my request for a personal profile on our dear Editor in Chief, I took it upon myself to unravel the enigma. Name: Elijah Saiger Height: 5’6’ or maybe 5’7”. He tends to slouch. Hobbies: Comedy and Comedy writing. Reading books that are older than the United States of America. Watching the types of TV… Keep Reading

The Michael Jordan Minimusical

For Mara Sydnor Preface: On the Secret Santa website, Mara listed her interests as “All the things.” To most people that would seem vague and unhelpful, but I knew what she was really saying, “Whoever gets this, please write me a minimusical about Michael Jordan.” And, so, that’s exactly what I did.   [Verse 1] Michael Jordan, 1994, Decides to give up basketball for a while He said, “My daddy shot dead, I’m gonna honor him By playing baseball instead.” [Hook]… Keep Reading

Discuss: An Analysis

For Allan Labonowski It’s another day and Allan is bored. Several friends refuse to play Spontuneous with him, because the game quickly becomes unfun when he is 15 spaces ahead of everyone. He takes to social media, much like my 77-year-old grandfather to pose philosophical questions to his acquaintances. It begins with either a vague or extremely specific topic and the comments are left to offer opinions. What ensues is a notification nightmare for the average human being but not… Keep Reading

Social Media Formulas for Social Media Chair Mary Lavelle

For Mary Lavelle Twitter =  chaos – dignity Tinder = chaos + horny Tumblr = chaos + puberty Bumble = tinder + 1/10(feminism) Facebook = chaos + your aunt Julie Snapchat= chaos – your aunt Julie Groupme = chaos x chaos 4chan = (anime + people named Curtis) – women Reddit = (cute animals + people named Curtis) – women Instagram= pride + filter Venmo = friendship + capitalism -Stav, Sundial Alumna Keep Reading

Sundial Radio Show (Live)

Join us for a night of yucks, schmucks, and perhaps a little luck. On January 12th at 8 PM, The Sundial will attempt to perform a live radio show, in the style of This American Life, with too many acts to count, and special guests: 8th Floor Improv, Fishbowl Improv, Buckeye Standup, Backburner Sketch Comedy, and musician Matt Monta. Did we mention the show is FREE? You lucky, dog, you. You don’t even have to pay! I bet the people… Keep Reading

Lauren and the Tinder Date

For Lauren Moliterno Lauren woke up in the morning and rolled over in bed to check her phone. After perusing through twitter and her finsta, she finally decided to open Tinder to see if she had any new potential suitors. Lauren was unamused to see the same old sad attempts from boys to woo her including one message to her that just straight up said “boobs.” While Lauren was mildly flattered that a boy was kind enough to point out… Keep Reading

Ask Amy – Grumbling Graduate

For Hannah Wagner Dear Amy, I just now finally finished up college and graduated, but now that I’m out in the real world, I’ve spent every single day sitting in bed and watching old episodes of Game of Thrones on my laptop.  Every now and then I order some Papa John’s so I don’t starve but that’s about it.  What am I supposed to do now that nobody is telling me what to do? With Pomp and Circumstance, Grumbling Graduate… Keep Reading

Local Robber Turns Around After Seeing Neighborhood Watch Sign

On Tuesday afternoon, a local robber was spotted sprinting away visibly frustrated after seeing a neighborhood watch sign posted by the street that read, “We report all suspicious activities to our sheriff dept.” Robby’s mom from Auburn Woods neighborhood commented, “Thank goodness everyone and everything is safe. God knows if we’d even be alive if it weren’t for that sign.” Another resident, Robby’s friend’s dad, outside at the time said he heard the robber allegedly say, “Drats! Not again! I’ll… Keep Reading

Netflix Releases New Streaming Plan Ahead of Holidays: the Netflix Diet

DECEMBER 1st—Netflix has released a new streaming plan at its lowest price ever—an incredible $2.99/month. The catch? Your favorite TV show or movie only runs when you run—literally. Dubbed the Netflix Diet, this new Netflix plan aims to combat holiday weight gain, and is here to stay. “We feel in part responsible for the obesity epidemic in America,” Netflix spokesperson Sonja Roberts admits. “At first, the sluggish, American lifestyle was great for business. As the national BMI skyrocketed, so did… Keep Reading

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