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Scott Commons Swallowed in a Fiery Hell Pit

COLUMBUS—Earlier this afternoon, the dining establishment Traditions at Scott was swallowed into a fiery sinkhole. Witnesses reported hearing a cacophony of screams and seeing the building disappear into flames from a garish hell pit. The geology department maintains that the sinkhole was caused by liquefaction of the soil underneath. We reached out to the department to comment, and Dr. Piedras provided this statement: “After conducting extensive soil analyses on the flaming pit that was Traditions at Scott, the Department of… Keep Reading

Trump To Take Unexpected Vacation Over Spring Break

President Donald Trump has recently disclosed his plans to the press regarding a surprise decision to take a hard-earned vacation to the Oval Office. Donny T, who has been putting in long hours working on his expertly crafted 140-character nuggets of truth while slaving away at his modest Mar-A-Lago Resort (recently renamed from the Mar-A-Lago-Trump-A-Rama-Gluten-Free-Dolphin-Free-Wait-Never-Mind-Actually-100%-Organic-Free-Range-Dolphin Resort), claims his “revolutionary progress on immigration reform” and 2-stroke improvement on his golf game has earned him a break in calm, idyllic, totally-not-protest-riddled Washington… Keep Reading

Format of Marvel Movies Changed to Become One, Extended Fight Scene

LOS ANGELES, CALIFORNIA—Acknowledging the overwhelming popularity of films like Deadpool and Logan, 21st Century Fox CEO James Murdoch has announced, to the delight of frat bros and people too stupid to enjoy films like Moonlight or Manchester by the Sea, that, “all further films in the Marvel Cinematic Universe will comprise nothing more than 90-140 minutes of blood, guts, swearing, decapitation, amputation, sex, drugs, guns, and knives.”  “After the release of Deadpool, we realized that people had become apathetic and… Keep Reading

NBC Renews Trump White House For Second Season

NEW YORK – Rejoicing in the television ratings boost brought by President Donald Trump’s campaign and election, NBC has renewed Trump for a second season as president. “Since Trump announced his candidacy and called Mexicans rapists we refused to let him near our entertainment programming, but audiences can’t stop watching,” said Bob Greenblatt, chairman of NBC, while riding the escalator in Trump Tower to a meeting with Trump’s executive producers. “NBC’s decision to renew the president should come as no… Keep Reading

Vice President of USG Candidate Stavroula Pabst Revealed to be a Dog Person

    In a Sundial Exclusive scoop, intrepid reporter Allan Labanowski has uncovered a scandal that could sink the Pabst campaign before it starts.  Throughout her campaign both this year and the year prior, Pabst has been very pro-cat, having offered a pledge of free kittens for everyone in her previous run for USG president, a promise that once again features prominently.  Her vice presidential candidate this year, the mysterious Elijah [last name redacted due to a preference not to be… Keep Reading

Trump Signs Executive Order To Be Nice To Him

WASHINGTON, D.C. – Following backlash to all of his previous executive orders, Trump has signed a new executive order requesting everyone “be nice to him.” When asked about the new order, Trump added, “This job is haaaaaarrrd! And you guys keep saying all these mean things about me! Like reporting on the things I do and say! Like stahhhhhhhhhhp.” We asked Kellyanne Conway to comment on the decision behind it and she quotes, “Please, give us a break.” When asked… Keep Reading

IBM Watson Is Just A Monkey In A Box

ARMONK, NY – Quickly becoming the world’s most advanced cognitive computing system, IBM’s Watson is reportedly a really smart monkey in a cardboard box. “We just found him in the jungle and brought him back here to headquarters in Armonk” said IBM’s Principal Investigator, David Ferrucci, as he casually leaned against the primate’s old TV box. When asked why employees of the company were in ‘the jungle’, Ferrucci retorted, “Why aren’t you in the jungle?” Good point. “It’s really simple:… Keep Reading

President of the University Declares The Lantern “Fake News”

COLUMBUS, OH- During a press conference on Wednesday, President of Ohio State University Michael Drake declared the school’s official publication, The Lantern, to be “fake news.” President Drake’s comments are in direct response to an article posted online by the college journal, in which a student writer referred to President Drake’s decision to close off the Mexican food stations of the campus dining halls as “un-Ohioan.” “The recent comments by the university tabloid are completely unfair,” said President Drake, adding… Keep Reading

Conservative Majority Votes To Extend Second Amendment Rights To Unborn Children

Washington DC – In a landmark decision, the United States senate has voted 52-48 to extend the 2nd amendment’s reach to developing infants currently in the second trimester.  This new law, introduced by Senator Chuck Grassley (R-IA), aims to uphold the bill of rights in a political climate that has seen many worrying that they’ll lose the ability to purchase and use firearms.   “I am thankful that my fellow congressmen saw eye to eye with what is clearly America’s… Keep Reading

Reality Hits Local Teen

BOZEMAN, MT – Eliza Shaffer, a freshman at Willow High School in suburban Montana was shocked today when she found out that the world, in fact, does not revolve around her. Shaffer was quoted in a recent interview saying, “it just seemed like I was always, like, the most important person in the room, you know? I always get what I want because I threaten people with this giant knife I found outside an IHOP one time. I guess I… Keep Reading

Professor At Highly Ranked Institution Incapable Of Completing Basic Computer Tasks

Looking up from the computer monitor after several minutes of frustrated clicking, esteemed Ohio State University professor Julia Pierce inquired if any of her students knew how to access the files on her flash drive. “Can someone help me get to my memory stick on the computer?” said Pierce, who has a PhD in English Literature and absolutely no knowledge of how to perform menial computer tasks despite using the device on a daily basis. “Are any of you good… Keep Reading

Former Undecided Student Finally Figures Out What They’re Going To Major In

COLUMBUS – From Accounting to homelessness, Engineering to being an Engineer looking for work, there are countless opportunities awaiting students after they earn their degrees and are at least $70,000 in debt. After entering college in the Exploration Program, freshman Lily was unsure of which path she should take in college and the rest of her natural life. Far from being the only one in this situation, we interviewed Lily to get her perspective on this difficult choice. “Well, I… Keep Reading

Ohio Man Moving From Home State to State of Confusion

GROVE CITY—Scratching his head with no regard for how anyone besides cartoons signifies that he is confused, local tax attorney Bill Summers has decided to pack up and leave this plane of existence to one where his “complete and utter ambivalence towards everything going on in this world is appreciated.” “I decided to become a transdimensional being somewhere around the time that my favorite actor and personal role model Gene Wilder passed, God rest him,” Summers said as he fed… Keep Reading

Boy From Tinder Wants to “Just Hang Out”

Columbus, OH: Kelsey Stacey, 20, reported to the Sundial last week that a boy she matched with on Tinder, Matt, 20 (age unconfirmed), wanted to “just hang out” with her sometime. “He wouldn’t really specify any further,” Kelsey commented. “When I asked him what he thought we could do on a date, he mentioned his room in Smith-Steeb and said we could just “hang out” in there. He seems cute enough but this sounds kinda weird, I’m not gonna lie.”… Keep Reading

Hallmark’s Thrust For Diversity With “A Gay Black Jewish Christmas” Ends In Complete And Utter Failure

Hallmark has stopped production of a controversial movie after studio executives realized they were going to offend the majority of minorities, should the movie be released on public television. For many years, Hallmark Channel Original Movies have attracted the ire of critics and viewers alike for featuring the same plot with just enough changes of characters’ names and locations to prevent the company from suing themselves for copyright infringement. These movies have also been widely criticized for having very little… Keep Reading

Man Insists On Hearing ‘All Star’

For Allan Labanowski  COLUMBUS, Ohio – Disrupting the mostly pleasant bar atmosphere Friday night, area man Allan Labanowski, 21, played the 1999 smash hit “All Star” at The Village Idiot to the displeasure of literally every other bar patron. “Oh, this again? This is the third bar and the third time I’ve heard this tonight,” said Travis Filicky, 21, after apologizing to the bartender for his friend’s jukebox faux-pas. The Smash Mouth song has annoyed people at bars and delighted people that want… Keep Reading

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