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The Sundial has 260 articles published.

An Abridged History of The Ohio State University

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1870: Ohio State University is founded by an old white man with prodigious facial hair as a school that can service the entire population of future old white men with facial hair in the state of Ohio. 1878: Due to a paperwork mishap, fifty-eight new colleges are named Ohio State University, causing the addition of a very forceful “The” to the university’s title. One of the other schools drops the “State” to become the much less confusing Ohio University. The…

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15 Articles You Wouldn’t Believe You’d Probably Read

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Jennifer Lawrence? More like Jennifer lor-ants. Check out these 11 pictures of arthropods that look like Jennifer Lawrence. Peek this unbelievable video that will make you call your mom and finally tell her you’re 6 months pregnant. Is life meaningless? These 8 sexy Ariana Grande gifs won’t help what-so-ever. A single mother of four found a weird trick to make money that you won’t believe. It’s called being a reptilian overlord. See, I knew you wouldn’t believe it. 10 things…

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The Awful Story for Ugly Idiots

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Richard brought his drink up to his lips, poured it into his mouth, and swallowed it whole in one swift motion. He coughed and sputtered a bit as he lowered the glass back onto the table. The bartender laughed as he took Richard’s glass and placed it behind the counter. “I know I shouldn’t serve alcoholics, but goddamn if the way you drink your beer like it’s a shot isn’t hilarious.” Richard just placed his forehead down on the table…

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Worst Rate My Professor Reviews

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It’s time to start scheduling for autumn semester. Don’t make the same mistake these students made! Here are the worst instructor reviews from Rate My Professor:  Catherine Steinbeck: She gives no extra credit and, unlike every other teacher ever, she drops your highest exam score! She justifies this by saying, “sometimes the world kills your favorite cat and never gives you a reason.” My friend is taking the class next semester and is determined to find the cat-wrangler, but don’t…

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The Speech of Lysias

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Lysias (445 BCE-380 BCE) was a speech writer in ancient Greece who earned money by selling speeches to citizens accused of crimes. The Ohio State University Classics Department has recently finished translating one of Lysias’ speeches, written on behalf of an Athenian farmer and playwright standing trial for murder. The Sundial presents it now for your examination. Hear me Athens! For I am Capaneus,1  loyal citizen, skilled farmer, and veteran of the Peloponnesian War.2 I am before you today to defend…

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Ohio State Introduces New Meal Plan Designed To Satisfy Nobody

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April 3, 2015 Ohio State and University Dining Services have decided to take the dining plan system in a new direction for the next academic year, eliminating the block program and replacing it with one that is infinitely more complex and is carefully structured to be unable to truly fill the needs of any student. In an email sent last week, OSU announced that the block system, which has been in place since the quarter-to-semester conversion in 2012, will no…

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Report: USG Rapidly Running Out of Scapegoats

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Following a series of election controversies, reports show that the Ohio State Undergraduate Student Government is rapidly running out of people to blame for the mind-bogglingly corrupt actions of the USG as a whole.  A couple of weeks ago, an important issue called OSU Divestment was taken off of the ballot and three candidates’ names were withdrawn from consideration for election due to some mysterious force called “Constitutional Bylaws.”  In response, members of the USG started finding creative and innovative…

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Your Sundial Weekly Horoscopes – Number 11

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Our resident astrologist decided he needed to focus on these things called classes, because apparently graduating is important or something. I had every intention of just staying in school for the rest of my life, because I have no desire to be a real adult. Anyway, I couldn’t care less about international terrorism or the Chinese language or the other things I’m supposedly studying, so I was enlisted to take over for the week. I took an Astronomy class once,…

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A Love Letter – Part 4

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Dear Debra, Yah, that’s right I found out your fucking name. I was talking to David, the “resident advisor”—more like “resident jerk”. He asked me about you, and after I went on for thirty minutes about how beautiful your eyes are and about how you always dress well, he dropped the bomb shell that you think I’m creepy. What the fuck is that? You don’t even know me! Look, I was trying to be nice about this, but that shit…

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A Love Letter – Part 3

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Dear Debra, I got your email about Peter and Vincent, and first off I would like to apologize for any discomfort these events may have caused you. I’m going to have a word with them ASAP, but I don’t want to make this a bigger deal than it needs to be. Listen, Peter and Vincent are nice guys, and you can’t blame them for expressing an interest in you. If you feel uncomfortable I would advise you to avoid them.…

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A Love Letter – Part 2

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Dear Sweet Tits, I forgot your name, but that’s alright I already got a nickname for you—it’s Sweet Tits. Anyway I wrote you a poem. Chemistry. Sexual tension. Infatuation sparks the light. Dynamos of cum covered socks, And fungal feet too enflamed To bare the stride of love’s gallant gait. Dynamos, tempted by the tepid nature of man, to wait at least three dates before making “the move.” Dynamos of cautious lies, Tight lipped and soaked in lust, Longing for…

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A Love Letter – Part 1

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Dear (I’m sorry I can’t remember your name), Listen, I know that this letter is off to a bad start, considering that I can’t remember your name, but hear me out. The name thing shouldn’t matter, as Shakespeare once said, “A rose by any other name would smell as sweet,” and I may not remember the name by which to call you, but I remember how sweetly you smell. Rereading that, that might have sounded a bit creepy. It’s supposed…

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The Food-Stealing Chronicles

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I. The first time I tried to steal food from my roommates was terrifying. I walked into my apartment after a long day of classes and dropped my coat and backpack on the floor with a defeated thump. I was prepared to trod sadly into my bedroom and land face-down on my bed for the rest of the night, but I stopped dead in my tracks. It was as if a beam of majestic light descended from heaven, illuminating the…

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A Collection of Sundial Haikus

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Collin thinks he is cool His ego fills up the room Why am I still here? Ivy is too pretty She is a perfect pixie Me? Jealous fairy. Jackie has talent She speaks English and nerd things Better than us all Kyle loves discussing Clowns because their noses are Amusing. No one else agrees. Ben is too silly He walks around with laptops Live streaming his life Shamelessly promoting Sundial because we’re funny Refrigerator. -Stacy Haerr, Contributor

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True Origins of Sports

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Baseball: Originally played with a severed head, this sport was just an excuse to hit severed heads with sticks, because it seemed like a good idea at the time. Cricket: Originally played with a severed head, this sport was an just an excuse to hit severed heads with flat sticks, because it seemed like a good idea at the time. Hockey: Originally played with a severed head, this sport was an just an excuse to hit flattened severed heads with…

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