The Menu From the Diner That’s Basically A Nursing Home


Soups and Salads – Each cup of soup comes with exactly one Saltine cracker.

Old People Soup – Your grandpa seems to like it, but we certainly don’t know what it is. $2.99

Clam Chowder – Practically a bowl of hot water. $3.49

The Token Salad – There are greens in it, we think, but we won’t specify further. $TOOMU.CH

Sandwiches – Each sandwich comes with soggy, “homemade” chips, but you can pay $2.49 extra to receive the fries you rightfully deserve.

Ham and Cheese Melt – Like a hot pocket, but at a restaurant, so you don’t feel miserable about yourself. $8.99

Turkey Club – Super boring, but let’s face it, looking like the best option right now. $8.49

Tuna Fish Sandwich – Yes, we need to specify that Tuna is a Fish. $10.49

California Club Wrap – Avocado, chicken, bacon, and shredded lettuce. We’re out of most of these, but we can give you an empty tortilla! $12.99

A Burger – Oh shit, normal food! Comes dangerously undercooked and/or charred, your choice. $8.99

Sides – Definitely not just pulled from the freezer!

Egg Salad – It’s decent, but it’s been sitting under the heat lamp for like, 15 minutes, so keep that in mind. $1.79

Corned Beef Hash – Easy to chew! $1.99

Literally Just Two Hard Boiled Eggs – That or the egg salad. Your call. $0.99

Green Beans – I mean, if you’re a total square. $1.29

Dinners – Served with crusty, stale bread and your choice of horrifying side. No, you can’t have the fries.

Chicken Fried Steak – Sounds tempting, but do you trust us not to mess this up? $13.99

Beef Pot Pie – Just like mom used to make, if your mom hated you. $11.99

Special of the Day – As if this isn’t just roadkill we found and cooked up. $4.59

Desserts – How do you still have an appetite at this point?

Peach Cobbler – An undulating favorite! $3.99

Rhubarb Pie – You’re too full for this, but your grandma grew up in a time where she didn’t know when her next meal would be, so you’re going to eat it, damnit. $2.99

Red White and Blue Jello With Mystery Specks – Please just take this from us. We don’t want it. $0.00

Drinks – We don’t have Coke or Pepsi, so stop asking.

All Drinks $1.79

Milk, RC Cola, Tab Cola, Root Beer, Clamato Juice, Cup of Creamer (coffee not included), Tang, Just Pulp OJ, Neat Screwdriver

– Adam Hribar, Mary Lavelle, and Ryan Wires, Senior Staff Members