Ever since the dawn of time, man has competed with one another to see who is the best. Who is the strongest? Who is the smartest? Although some people compete in the Olympics or Jeopardy to determine this, there is only one competition that can show who the champions of the world are. And yes, that competition is a 5k fundraiser run.
Everyone knows about 5k fundraiser runs. Many organizations use them as a great way to raise money. This is just a front. These races are used as a measure of god-status amongst humankind. I personally have won two Turkey Trots during my time on this astral plane, and I know the best way to prepare for 5ks. It starts with training. Strengthening the right muscles will help you take home the gold. Most people work on their arms and legs, but this is a waste of time. The only muscle that matters in this battle for glory are the glutes. The glutes are the most important muscle in the entire human body and have helped conquerors for centuries. This is because they build up the pressure in your ass cheeks that send small explosions throughout your hamstrings and other leg muscles, allowing you to run at impeccable speeds. There are two ways to develop immaculate glutes. Get on that elliptical grind or watch nothing but Richard Simmons videos, specifically “Sweatin’ to the Oldies 3.” I personally do hours of each activity every other day for 4 days prior to the competition. I was born with gorgeous glutes, so all I’m really doing is warming them up. A longer time period for working out is ideal for first-time champions.
Most people find that diets are very important as well. That is complete bullshit. Do you think that my dad bod stopped me from being a champion? Of course not, so I will not bore you with the details of proper nutrition.
And finally, the race itself. When you arrive, there will be a wide range of different people there. You got your dog walkers, little kids, families with matching shirts, speed walkers, the spandex enthusiasts, and local marathon runners. This is a lot of competition to work with. How do you pace yourself while running against these people? Well, I am not going to tell you, because there is no technique to becoming a champion. You are either born one or you are not one. It’s that simple. There is one thing, however, that you can have that will give you a chance at joining the elite society of 5k fundraiser run champions. And that one thing is a badass music playlist. Fill that puppy up with tunes that will get your heart and glutes pumping. I personally listen to Africa by Toto on repeat. Not only is it an absolute banger, but you will also feel like you are in an 80’s movie training montage.
Listen to my words if you want to become a living legend. You will become what most people want to be in life. A badass. I’ll see you future champions on the elliptical tomorrow.
– Jack Gottfried, Guest Writer