William Oxley Thompson Bust In Namesake’s Library To Be Replaced

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(Doug) Courtesy of Mr. Doug

Friday, March 2, 2018:

The bust of William Oxley Thompson is a staple at the front of Thompson library, but after years of wear and tear, the statue will be taken off display for refurbishment. Ohio State students often rub the top of the bust’s head for good fortune on upcoming tests, so some students worry the refurbishment will kill the tradition.

Ohio State Spokesman, Benjamin Davey, said students should not worry about losing their “good luck rub,” though.

Doug, part-time late night custodian and local man, is gladly putting down his mop and replacing it with the hands of thousands of Ohio State students rubbing their hands on his bald head.

Student concerns about this change have been voiced, but immediately rescinded when they have been shown a picture of this mustachioed crusader of good luck.

We asked Doug what he had to say about his new position, he said, “Well I’ve always had a soft head when I was a kid, my parents were worried about my delicate head. But now I got a job where students rely on my soft head. Funny how things end up working out (Laughs).”

In some ways, Doug may be a temporary upgrade to what Ohio State students are looking for. It’s flu season and Doug was taught to reapply an antibacterial scrub to the top of his head on the hour every hour. However, if you are a lucky student who crosses Doug when it’s time for his cleaning, you will have the opportunity in rubbing the scrub in for him! Call it a “Doug Scrub,” a “Rubba-Doug-Doug,” or good clean fun—this new tradition will surely surpass patting a cold, metallic statue that doesn’t respond to your touch. Doug will let out a purr, like a Snow Leopard in heat, whenever he receives a hearty scalp massage from adoring students.

Some readjustments will have to be made to Doug before he can temporarily replace the beloved Oxley bust. Doug will be painted brass to fit in and make this transition hardly noticeable. Is the paint safe? Who knows, but the Buckeye tradition must live on! Students also will be reminded of the smooth eroded-down top of the original Oxley bust because Doug has a shaver on standby any moment of the day. When a student seems dissatisfied with their Buckeye Experience™ of touching Doug’s head for good luck, the shaver will step in and shave off any discomforting stubble on top of Doug’s head.

We then asked Doug about what he’s anticipating about working at the bust, he replied, “I’m excited, I don’t really get a lunch break because they won’t let me leave my post, but at least my kids will be able to afford to go The Ohio State University when I get this job.”

Then Doug took a bottle out of his coat. “Yeah this thing, it’s my urine bottle I’m just practicing using it in public before I get into the real deal.”

-Andrew Muller, Guest Writer