Kindling: Like Tinder, but for Life!

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Ladies, are you tired of constantly fending off fuckboys and their uncreative pick-up lines? Men, are you tired of being fuckboys with uncreative pick-up lines? This year, avoid the messy hookups and get what you’re really looking for: a partner to have and to hold for the rest of your life.

Introducing Kindling, a dating app that is like Tinder, but for arranged marriages. To register, simply begin by filling out the Buzzfeed quiz, “Build a perfect partner, and we’ll reveal a list of individuals within a 25-mile radius who might fit a certain subset of those characteristics”. Once you get your list, be cautious who you swipe right for, because once a match is made, a marriage certificate is immediately printed and sent to an assembly line of online ordained ministers who sign it and send it off. Expected delivery is 3-5 business days, but expedited shipping can be obtained for an additional $2.99.

Kindling was developed by Dr. Rajesh Kumar, director of the American Association for Marriage and Family Therapy, as a direct response to the United States’ atrocious divorce rate. “For far too long, Americans have been misled by the notion that they’ll get ‘The Notebook*’ or the ‘Love Actually*’ experience, but that’s bullshit,” Kumar says. “The truth is, arranged marriages have a much higher success rate than ‘love’ marriages, and that’s simply due to the understanding between the two individuals that marriages take work. Combine that understanding with an app that caters to the short attention span of the clickbait generation, and bam! You’ve got Kindling.”

With Kindling, you’ll never have to date again. You’ll never struggle with chemistry or commitment. Break-up with Tinder, because once you download Kindling, you’re stuck for life.

*I have seen neither of these movies

-Alicia Bao, Contributor