50 Ways to Leave Your Lover


I am unsure if Paul Simon realized, but his song “50 Ways to Leave Your Lover” is misleading. Perhaps this was a simple typo and he meant to title the song “5 Ways to Leave Your Lover” as that’s all he provided us. Or, it could possibly be that he is just embarrassingly bad at counting. Nonetheless, and 43 years too late, I managed to muster up the rest of the 45 ways. So, here’s to you, Mr. Simon.

  1. Just slip out the back, Jack
  2. Make a new plan, Stan
  3. Don’t need to be coy, Roy, just listen to me
  4. Hop on the bus, Gus, don’t need to discuss much
  5. Just drop off the key, Lee, and get yourself free
  6. Post a subtweet, Pete
  7. Be a little petty, Betty
  8. Make a clean break, Blake
  9. Block him on Facebook, Brooke
  10. Lose your streak on snapchat, Pat
  11. Say you need some space, Chase
  12. Get a separate Uber, Luther
  13. Or maybe take a Lyft, Tiff
  14. Be a good guy, Ty
  15. Fake like your “busy”, Lizzie
  16. Slide out the DMs, Liam
  17. Drop her for your bros, Joe
  18. Storm away real mad, Brad
  19. Act like a dick, Rick
  20. Or don’t be a dick, Rick
  21. Say what you mean, Dean
  22. Ghost all his texts, Lex
  23. Sign a new lease, Therese
  24. Meet face to face, Grace
  25. Don’t be a hot mess, Jess
  26. Delete all your conversations, Nathan
  27. Catch the quickest plane, Jane
  28. Say, “it’s not you, it’s me”, Hailee
  29. Be the bigger person, Kiersten
  30. Start actin’ shady, Brady
  31. Do it on a whim, Jim
  32. Leave a message at the tone, Joan
  33. Tell the truth, Ruth
  34. Don’t talk to her again, Ben
  35. Ditch her at the dance, Chance
  36. Remove couple pics off Instagram, Sam
  37. Cock an attitude, Jude
  38. Escape in the mornin’, Lauren
  39. Run out on the check, Beck
  40. Share it on your IG story, Tori
  41. Let him down gentle, Kendall
  42. Pretend to be dead, Ted
  43. Find a new job, Rob
  44. Make it super chill, Jill
  45. Go out on a limb, Kim
  46. Scream “we’re through,” Drew
  47. Walk out dramatically, Natalie
  48. Up and leave, Steve
  49. Put him in the friend zone, Sloane
  50. Seriously, it’s not that hard to just give her a simple call, PAUL!

If you made it to the end of this list, because you read it all the way through: Congratulations and I thank you for taking the time to read!

If you made it to the end of this list, but only because you scrolled down: Hey, I’ll take what I can get.

Also, a special thanks to technological innovations over the years for helping to create new and crummier ways to leave your lover.

-Mary Lavelle, Senior Staff Member