Two Students Go On Date After Definitely Not Meeting On Tinder


COLUMBUS – After a self-described “three-year dry-spell,” Ohio State University student Tim Daly was happy to report that he went on a date with a fellow student who he met completely organically through face-to-face, interpersonal social interaction.

The unlikely couple met for “definitely not” the first time at Cazuela’s Mexican Restaurant on High Street, where they made awkward, entry-level conversation while pulling back jumbo margaritas for $5 a piece.

Tim’s date, Carly Jenson, reported that the date was, “a little awkward at first. I didn’t know his sense of humor, and I was unsure if he actually thought I work as a cement mixer, or if he was setting up the joke that I was good at making things hard.” Since Carly clearly doesn’t exclusively know Tim from a two-day conversation on an online dating app, she also doesn’t know that the cement mixer line is one of many cheesy and inappropriate pick-up lines in his ‘nonexistent’ Tinder bio.

The two were, inexplicably, initially surprised by the other’s appearance, despite the fact that they had clearly met before in financing class, according to Tim, or in a Model U.N. meeting according to Carly.

After pretending not to hear his request to go back to his place after the meal, Carly showed Tim her favorite campus bar, The Library. There, the whirlwind couple made even louder awkward banter and completely missed most of what the other was saying due to the blaring sounds of “Closer” by the Chainsmokers, which seemingly played 4 times that night, according to Carly. 

Both of their accounts of the evening inexplicably ended shortly before departing The Library, and any further inquiry was met with avoided eye-contact and reddened faces. When asked if Tim and Carly were likely to go out again at any point, Tim replied enthusiastically that, “[he] would be down,” while Carly stated that, “frankly I was off-put when he told me, in person obviously, that he wasn’t a weatherman, but that I could expect a few inches tonight.” 

Daly has insisted, upon multiple occasions to anyone who would listen, that he “definitely didn’t meet her on Tinder, bro,” despite the fact that nobody fucking asked.

-Jacob Wright, Senior Staff Member