Please Stop Writing Articles About Me!

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Dear Stav,

So, it came to my attention that an article was written about me in something called the “Sundial Humor Magazine.” I don’t think that’s a hardcore gaming magazine, because I haven’t read it before, so I don’t want my name anywhere near it. It turns out someone I matched with on tinder took umbrage with the fact that I asked her to hang out. I’m not happy having my good name besmirched on the internet for all to see, so let me clear some things up. When I asked to ‘hang out’ I was demonstrating that I’m not like those other guys on tinder who go to parties and smoke opium. I’m an introvert, who likes to sip red wine and read instruction manuals in my bedroom. To mock me for wanting to ‘just hang out’ is to demean my entire lifestyle and push your extrovert germs onto me.

Furthermore, it seems that the article implied that I was ‘creepy,’ and that hanging out with me might feel ‘unsafe.’ Yes, three of my four tinder pictures may have been of bowie knives, but don’t worry! I couldn’t afford any of those knives and only photographed them at the knife store. And yes, I do post ominous Facebook updates like “Everyone who doesn’t support my art is going to feel my retribution in the coming months,” but I didn’t really mean that. I was just bitter that my manifesto on keeping politics out of nerd culture didn’t go viral. So, you see, I am a completely safe person to hang out with. No one who has hung out with me has had anything to say other than “Sorry I think I’m coming down with something” or “Ooops I left the fridge open.”

To the writer of this libelous article, I ask only that you apologize to me. Attacks on my character not only hurt my feelings, but also my job prospects, when I finally get around to looking for them. Also, if you are free anytime soon, I’d love to just hang out. I’m a really nice guy, I swear.

Sincerely,
Boy from Tinder

-Eli Gardner, Senior Staff Member