Top 10 Things Only Kids Named “Eli Gardner” Will Relate To

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For Eli Gardner

1. 2000s Columbus
Man, this list is already killing it. I bet all you Eli Gardners who grew up in Columbus during the 2000s are like “wow, I relate to this.”

2. When your favorite celebrity is Gail Simmons and not a Kardashian
Let me guess what you’re thinking: “How the hell did you know my deep admiration for Top Chef judge Gail Simmons” and that’s because this is a relatable list just for you, Eli Gardner.

3. When Kangaroo Jack came out and blew your fucking mind
If your name isn’t Eli Gardner than you probably liked shitty films like La La Land.

4. When your grandparents would say “Hi grandson, who is named Eli Gardner”
Old people were always telling you what your name was and making this list just that much more relatable.

5. Buying “Hot Stuff” from your local upperclassmen
Ugh, other kids not named Eli Gardner will never know the thrill of asking older friends to buy them the illicit Fireball rip off “Hot Stuff” then leaving it at their apartment for later parties knowing that no one else will want to drink it. Other kids that aren’t named “Eli Gardner” are too sheltered and/or ask for better alcohol!

6. Admit it, we all used our full name “Elijah” to sound more Jewish every once in a while
Sometimes “Eli” is a little too short and “Elijah” reminds people of the prophet you’re named after and raise extreme jealousy on all the goys. It also just brings that extra “oomph” to the Hanukkah season.

7. Getting into fights defending the horrible underrated-ness of Crazy Ex-Girlfriend was our childhood
Crazy Ex-Girlfriend Fans vs. People Who Are Wrong, beating each other up on GroupMes and social media all in the light of the screen of your phone. Take that, those not named Eli Gardner!

8. Nothing beats the thrill of burning money in 1920s Berlin to keep the house warm at night
Speaking of having fun with hyperinflation, it was every kid’s favorite part of the day when we got to light our completely devalued marks on fire so we didn’t freeze to death at night.

9.  Waiting in line for hours to get your rations of Tequila-Apple Cider
Non-Eli Gardner’s have it so easy. The feeling of inevitable regret as you spend your day shaking your Tequila-cider mixer together in a jug is the definition of us Eli Gardners.

10. Talking shit on La La Land to feel like a badass
Jesus, that movie was pretty terrible, wasn’t it? A lot of people got hurt dancing on the freeway. Singing wasn’t that great either. And of course, it led to the rise of the Nazis. But hey, we can’t all be Eli Gardners.

-Lauren Moliterno, Sundial Alumna