Lauren and the Tinder Date


For Lauren Moliterno

Lauren woke up in the morning and rolled over in bed to check her phone. After perusing through twitter and her finsta, she finally decided to open Tinder to see if she had any new potential suitors. Lauren was unamused to see the same old sad attempts from boys to woo her including one message to her that just straight up said “boobs.” While Lauren was mildly flattered that a boy was kind enough to point out she had breasts, she was beginning to wonder if she’d ever get to talk to someone she genuinely connected to.

It was in that moment that Lauren was super-liked by a gentleman named Ben. Ben’s profile pictures were surprisingly normal. He even had an adorable photo of him with his grandma! Lauren was also surprised to see that Ben had liked many of the same things she did on Facebook like “Night at the Museum 2”, “Adam Sandler”, and “In 2013 I will watch 2012 and laugh.” To top that, Ben’s bio said, “I love a girl with a sense of humor and I absolutely hate geese!” She couldn’t believe her eyes that she finally came across a practically perfect guy on Tinder.

Lauren was feeling extra bold and decided to super-like back! In an instance, she had already received a message from Ben. They chatted back-and-forth with conversation flowing quite easily. It was almost too good to be true.

Eventually, after chatting on and off throughout the day, Ben asked Lauren…

Ben: “Would you be interested in grabbing drinks this Saturday at 6?”

Lauren: “That sounds lovely! Are you able to pick me up beforehand?”

Ben: “Oh sorry, my car is in the shop. I would not be able to pick you up sadly.”

Lauren: “That’s okay! I can pick you up if you’d like?”

Ben: “Oh sorry, I’ll be out with my grandmother for most the day. It would probably just be easier to meet up at the restaurant.”

Lauren: “Okay that works for me. I’ll see you then!”

Lauren was a little sketched out that Ben couldn’t seem to coordinate a ride with her, but nonetheless she remained optimistic.

Finally, Saturday had arrived and Lauren was getting all dolled up for her big date. After applying her mascara, she was ready to go and was on her way to meet the super-likable Ben! Lauren turned into the parking lot and took a deep breath. She was somewhat nervous, but definitely excited to possibly hit things off in person.

As she walked into the restaurant, Lauren was greeted by the hostess.

“Hi, Welcome to Chili’s!” the hostess exclaimed.

“Hello,” Lauren said back, “I’m meeting someone who’s already seated.”

The hostess pointed to the back-left corner where Ben was.

As Lauren glanced up to try and see the table where Ben was located, her stomach dropped.

“Oh shit.” Lauren whispered as she approached the table the hostess directed her to.

It finally made sense why “Ben” was unable to coordinate a ride with her. “Ben” couldn’t give her a ride, because he obviously couldn’t drive. “Ben” couldn’t be picked up, because he obviously didn’t live in an actual house. And “Ben” couldn’t be perfect, because “Ben” was in fact…

…a goose with a taped-on mustache sitting atop possibly three other geese in a large trench coat!

Lauren turned around to book it for the door, but she was too late. The geese were already swarming her. Squawking at her. Pecking at her face. More geese began to emerge from behind doors and tables. Even the hostess turned out to be a goose with an incredibly realistic mask on. Lauren swatted and kicked back, but to no avail. The geese swarmed even closer. Continuing to squawk and peck, squawk and peck, squawk and peck, until at last everything in that Chili’s faded to black as Lauren breathed her last breath whispering, “Oh shit, more geese!”

-Mary Lavelle, Senior Staff Member