Netflix Releases New Streaming Plan Ahead of Holidays: the Netflix Diet

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DECEMBER 1st—Netflix has released a new streaming plan at its lowest price ever—an incredible $2.99/month. The catch? Your favorite TV show or movie only runs when you run—literally.

Dubbed the Netflix Diet, this new Netflix plan aims to combat holiday weight gain, and is here to stay. “We feel in part responsible for the obesity epidemic in America,” Netflix spokesperson Sonja Roberts admits. “At first, the sluggish, American lifestyle was great for business. As the national BMI skyrocketed, so did our revenue. However, as time went on, we realized that this is not a sustainable way to run the company. So many of our customers were dying prematurely from heart attacks and diabetes complications that our profits started to dip. We decided we had to become the solution, instead of the problem.” She pauses. “Well, I guess we’re still technically the problem too.”

How does the Netflix Diet work? The streaming plan uses the latest technologies to monitor your movements and determine whether your pathetic attempts at working out are sufficient to warrant TV time. Don’t think you can cheat the system either! The Netflix Diet uses state-of-the-art devices to detect whether you’re really running, or just faking it. A Fitbit monitors your heart rate, a breathalyzer oversees your O2 and CO2 exchange rate, and a rectal thermometer checks your internal body temperature and also doubles as a sweat monitor—you aren’t sweating enough unless that thing keeps falling right out!

As America makes the switch, positive reviews are flooding in. “Damn, I knew I should have finished the new season of Stranger Things when it first came out,” huffs and puffs overweight local dad, Kirk Nelson. “I went from being the guy that takes the elevator to go down one floor to being the guy that runs 2 hours a day, just because I need to find out what happens with this shadow monster thing.”

His wife, Pamela, only has rave reviews. “The Netflix Diet has completely transformed my husband back into the go-getter he used to be when he was 200 pounds lighter. I’ve had to take him to the ER three times for dehydration, but every time he comes home, he just jumps back onto that treadmill! His determination can’t be shot down. I’m finally starting to see that hunky body I fell in love with at Woodstock all those years ago.”

The Netflix Diet has already begun to revolutionize weight loss. Stick to your New Year’s Resolution this year at the low cost of only $2.99/month.

-Alicia Bao, Contributor