This Just In: Huntington Bank’s New Intern Too Much Of A Timid Little Bitch To Decline Doing A Bunch Of Random Shit For His Coworkers

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COLUMBUS- After working in the office for only two short months, it was confirmed that the newest hired intern at Huntington Bank Headquarters is too much of a fucking pussy to decline any amount of random tasks his coworkers give him.

Jessica Hiller, who manages the loans department, reported that she was feeling rather overworked this quarter. To keep up with her job’s high demands, she reached out to the school of business at Ohio State University. In turn, the college sent over young Brandon Garrett, an accounting major and total wash-over.

Since Brandon was hired, Jessica has made the effort to give him largely mundane, but vaguely fulfilling, tasks which would help with his business skills development. However, when everyone in the office started noticing Jessica’s pathetically agreeable intern, all of Jessica’s coworkers made an unspoken agreement to never do any of the busy-work they hate so much again, shoveling it, instead, onto the miserable, paltry college sophomore.

When asked to make digital copies of old company documents, the intern, whose self-esteem has been miserably low since he discovered that higher education is a lot more challenging than high school, was reported to reply with his usual answer of, “uh, usually I do reports and filing for Jessica, but, uh, I should be able to get that done for you.”

It was speculated by Mike Brown, a bookkeeper who works on the same floor as Brandon, that the intern was so completely devoid of a backbone that you could probably convince him to do any number of humiliating tasks, such as going on coffee-runs and even cleaning the supplies room.

When filling out his mid-semester internship evaluation for the University, Brandon reported, “I am happy to help out around the office! Everyone seems so busy, so whatever I can do to make things easier I give my best.”

Upon reading this evaluation, Brandon’s internship coordinator, Brenda Ying, found herself agreeing with the employees at Huntington Bank, concurring that “Brandon wouldn’t know his spine from his dick, which is funny because he has neither.”

-Jacob Wright, Staff Member