A Guide To Your Rights This Holiday

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It’s finally that time of year, Bill of Right’s Day. Use your freedom of speech but remember that one else should use their freedom of speech to criticize you. Use your freedom of expression but not if it’s against America, take that shit to Canada. There is freedom of religion but remember that America is a good Christian nation. Remember if someone uses freedom of press or right to assembly to express an opinion different than yours, their un-American. Speaking of America, fire that semi-automatic rifle right into the sky and celebrate that right to bear arms. Oh shit, you shot someone. Anyway, he third amendment is honestly irrelevant at this point and you don’t know what the fuck it is. The fourth amendment makes sure you aren’t searched without a warrant unless your brown of course. The cops came to arrest you for shooting that person, plead that fifth and don’t incriminate yourself (we know you did it). You get that right to a speedy fair trial because you shot someone when you when you fired that gun. The seventh amendment has to do with stealing 20 bucks or some shit.  Thanks to the eighth amendment, your bail wasn’t excessive and you got out. Ninth makes sure none of your rights get denied, unless your brown of course. The tenth amendment makes sure the government controls your life. That’s all of them. Have fun celebrating, you’re probably headed to jail soon.

-Mara Sydnor, Senior Staff Member