Local Man Committing Highway Robbery Right Under Starbucks’ Very Nose

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COLUMBUS- 31-year-old Peter Walters, an actuarial associate at Nationwide, has been going through the same morning routine every workday for nearly a decade, but it wasn’t until recently that he discovered a way to break the mold and start making a major improvement in his life. During a shopping trip, Walters discovered a way to game the very system that has cost him a cumulative amount of $10,118.52. Despite his financial cleverness, Peter Walters is still unable to figure out how to save his marriage and family from falling apart.

During an interview, Walters admits that he could tell early on that something in his life was wrong. “I was ordering my usual grande latte with added raspberry flavoring one morning before driving to the office when I had an inkling notion that something in my life really needed to change,” he said, neglecting to mention that his wife recently started sleeping in the workout room rather than with him in a bed.

Walters believes that over time, more people will become aware of the Starbucks trap that he fell into, and that people will start finding alternatives, ultimately damaging the Seattle-based coffee company. Rather than focusing on his various marital issues or even his strained relationship with his two children, Nathan and Barbara, Peter decided that this issue will lead to him making improvements in his life. He said, “I really need my cup of joe to start the day, but I figured there must be a better way to get my fix than throwing nearly five bucks at a barista every morning.”

On a brisk October day, Peter Walters finally happened upon the perfect morning replacement to ease his caffeine-caused addictive withdrawals while shopping at Kroger, but he remained ignorant of the value of communication with his immediate family.

Thinking back to that fateful day when he was sent to buy his son supplies for a school project, Walters said, “I was passing by the soft drinks aisle on my way to the beer fridges when I caught a glimpse of that old familiar Starbucks logo from the corner of my eye. I figured the 30-rack of Busch Lite could wait as I went to investigate, and sure enough I came face-to-face with the answer to all my problems!”

Walters purchased the 4-pack of 9.5 ounce bottles of Starbucks Mocha Frappucino, as well as an entire case of beer to distract him from actually having to interact with his family members in any meaningful, sober way during the upcoming weekend. Ultimately, in all his excitement, Peter forgot to buy the poster-board his son, Nathan, needed for his science project which was due the next day.

After a week of drinking only the small bottles of Starbucks Mocha Frappucino, Peter Walters had this to say, “I feel very excited to get all of that money I have been throwing away back. Day-to-day it doesn’t look like much of a difference, and to be honest the tiny bottles don’t really fulfill my caffeine needs the same way as a fresh cup of coffee would, but in the end, I think it will be worth it. I’ve always been a problem-solver, so it’s nice to make such a huge self-improvement.”

Ultimately, Walters will save $5,445.02 over the next 10 years, but not his marriage.

-Jacob Wright, Staff Member