Oval Preacher Converts Student


Ohio State was shocked this Tuesday when a fellow student reportedly walked towards the Oval preacher and asked how he could accept Jesus as his Lord and Savior. Onlookers were astounded, having never seen anyone break the mutually unspoken rule of maintaining a 9.7ft radius of dead space around the preacher.

“I was shook,” commented third-year student Jared Wyner, who managed to capture ten seconds of the exchange on Snapchat video. “This Oval guy has probably told me that I’m going to hell for every single aspect of my personality. I guess I started coming back to satisfy my ingrained self-loathing, and I totally forgot that he’s supposed to be representing a religion.”

In the video footage, the preacher seemed equally taken aback. “I initially thought the kid was going to attack me,” the preacher admitted to a Sundial reporter. “To be honest, this is my first conversion, and I’m not entirely certain how the process works. But I am 100% certain that if my new brother in Christ stays away from Muslims, the gays, drunkards, pornography, Democrats, masturbation, gangsters, memes, and feminism then he will be welcomed into heaven by our Lord Jesus with open arms. OH, and keep away from the lesbians. Can’t forget the lesbians.”

The student remains unidentified, but was later seen at Five Guys telling his friends that it “just started making sense, dude. I can’t explain it. I just feel this calling to help people transform into God’s ideal demographic.”

No word on if he will join the league of Oval preachers with his own sign next time.

-Alicia Bao, Contributor