Preface: The following story is so incredibly nonsensical that Donald J. Trump is the only person who understood every word of it. Written as part of a cruel, sick game, four comedy writers were forced against their wills to write a story without communicating with one another and only had one sentence to go off of: “As he looked at the bird semen in front of his omelet, he knew the chicken came before the egg.” Baffled by the vulgar nature of such a sentence, the writers all did their best to craft a narrative in the darkness. This is the pan-fried, hard-boiled result. – Bradford Douglas, Regretful Survivor
Written By (in order of paragraphs): Philli Phresh, Adam Hribar, Bradford Douglas, and Connor Tragesser
In the beginning, God created Heaven and Earth. And then God said, “let the waters produce animals with a living soul, and flying creatures above the earth, under the firmament of heaven.” “But chickens can’t fly and I don’t know what firmament means”, he said. The answer was becoming more and more unclear, but as he looked at the bird semen in front of his omelet, he knew the chicken came before the egg.
He cleaned up the chicken cum and knew taking care of 40 chickens in a small one room apartment was too much. He was slowly toying with the idea of releasing them on the apartment complex but knew he would be evicted. His black market organic chicken shit wasn’t making enough to sustain the cleaning fees. The only recourse that seemed feasible was to cut off their heads and hang them outside city hall for their egregious tax hikes and refusal to acknowledge his squatter rights in the NYC public library.
But the world did not appreciate his newfound discovery. He found society pushing back, not wanting to accept this profound truth. The leader of a movement of Poultry Ovum Specialists or POS for short confronted him on that fateful day when all tensions came to a climax.
“The avian ejaculate I found among my breakfast that day has answered this age long question!”
“Irrelevant! The question will forever remain unanswered as it was meant to be! New information has come to light! You are a fraud!”
“*gasp* how dare you!”
“Your roommate has stepped forward because he could no longer stay silent.”
He looks at his roommate dramatically.
“Young Sheldon, how could you?”
“Don’t condemn him for speaking out! Don’t condemn him for revealing to the world that you have no chicken!”
Silence falls across the audience. He looks to the POS leader in disbelief.
“I have to go,” he said. And is never seen again for an ambiguous amount of time.
Six months later, the heat wave stopped. His family was finally able to shut the windows, preventing birds from ejaculating on their breakfast. Bad news is, ten people from his town died from heat exhaustion. So it goes. Good news, his observation led him to an academic bird biology career. He left his small farming town to attend University of Iowa and then UChicago. He never returned.
–Philli Phresh & Adam Hribar, Senior Staff Members; Bradford Douglas & Connor Tragesser, Contributors