Monster in the Oval Office


Four young people sit around the campfire. They have been sharing scary stories all night. Sam is next.

“Skin orange as a moldy pumpkin. Mouth like an asshole, constantly spewing shit. And hands the size as his penis (micro).” Sam begins the story.

“OMG, stop I can’t take it.” Another person screams.

“Rumor is if you kneel in the woods in front of a flagpole and say billions and billions and billions he appears behind and whispers in your ear, covfefe.”

“Shut up Sam, I’m so scared, stop it.” Another person runs away into the woods.

“You better hope he doesn’t find you attractive or he’ll come up behind you and grab you by the-

“That’s enough, Sam!”

“And if he sees that you’re in desperate need of help, you’ll never guess what he hurls at you.”

“Emergency federal funds?”

“Humanitarian aid?”

“General human empathy?”

“Worse! Paper Towels!”

A collective gasp erupts from the campfire circle.

“Sam! Are you trying to give us all nightmares?”

-Mara Sydnor, Staff Member; and Bradford Douglas, Contributor