Sunny’s Tips to Make Your Summer 🔥🔥🔥


Tired of the same boring dates this summer? Day drinking by the pool and going out and drinking can only be so exciting. These tips should add an extra element of surprise to your summer lovin’.

1. Don’t wait 45 minutes before eating in the pool.
Ignore this old wives’ tale and live life on the edge. Make sure you have that big, fat, foot long Subway Italian BMTTM before you hop into that public pool to cool off. The excess of screaming children should prevent you from drowning if you get the cramps. This isn’t so much a tip to make your summer hotter; it just adds that extra element of gluttony that we were all missing from our summer shindigs.

2. Scream “Fire!” in a crowded movie theater.
 It can get so hot in the summer. If it’s too hot to go out try seeing one of the summer blockbusters, such as “Baby’s First Driver” and “Wonder Waggle.” While you’re there, exercise your first amendment right and scream fire. Not only will this keep the other movie going patrons on their toes, but you’ll get that much-needed adrenaline rush you crave because you can’t go to Cedar Point.

3. Improve your summer romance by hiding a razor blade under your tongue.
Every time you go kiss your significant other, make sure you do it with a razor blade under your tongue. The constant scare of communicating diseases via mouth blood will take your boring summer and crank it up to a ten.

4. Instead of getting your kids’ face painted, get them a real face tattoo.
What a better way to teach the consequences of a permanent decision than having the cheap tattoo artist, you know, the one with ADHD who keeps getting out of the chair every five minutes to go “check something in the back,” tattoo their face into full tiger face paint? Let your kid really know what a freak they are this summer by having them permanently mark their body with in a hastily-made, rash decision, like the one you made when you had your child.

 5. Contribute to the classic summer phenomena, like the time honored large spike in the national murder rate.
Buy a ’22 and kill your significant other. What could be more fun than explaining to the police officer that you thought you were within the famous state statute, Stand Your Ground because you swear your wife was threatening you with the pool noodle. This way, you won’t have to spend your summer at your in laws’ barbeque, eating your father-in-law’s hockey puck burger and listening to your mother-in-law talk about her incontinence issues.

—Adam Hribar, Senior Staff Member