Summer is here and you know what that means, buying illegal fireworks and expecting not to chafe in short shorts! We build the summer up in our heads all year, only to find it wasn’t all we made it out to be. Let’s take a look at a few summer expectations, versus the summer realities, shall we?
Expectation: Make s’mores with friends.
Reality: Fail to build a fire. Get 9 splinters. Burn yourself on a match. Go to urgent care and wait for 45 minutes while they process your insurance. Have them give you a band-aid. Pay $1300.
Expectation: Get a beach body.
Reality: Get a single dad bod. Work out a few times a week but fail to see definition. Try a tea cleanse. Have intense diarrhea from said cleanse. Put on some tanning oil. Fall asleep in the sun for 5 hours. Become burnt toast on your front but untoasted on your back.
Expectation: Have a summer relationship.
Reality: Meet one person. Find out they’re already in a relationship. Flirt with them anyway. Tell them your true feelings. Get rejected. Become even more awkward around them. Make them confront you about your awkwardness. Apologize profusely. Go back to normal for 2 days then delete their contact. Run into them at CVS and avoid eye contact. Accidentally like their Instagram photo from 7 months ago. Bury yourself alive.
Expectation: Have a water balloon fight.
Reality: Buy one pack of balloons and find that there are only ten. Rip three when you open the package. Fail the actually tie the other seven. Throw two water balloons at yourself and then spend 45 minutes looking for the tiny broken pieces in your driveway.
Expectation: Ride your bike around town.
Reality: Get your pant leg stuck in the bike chain and fly into a recently mulched yard. Get mulch stuck in your hair. Spend the next ten minutes trying to untangle mulch from your head. Get back on your bike. Start riding into town. Get stopped for not wearing a helmet. Have your bike stolen while you go inside the bike shop to buy a helmet.
Reality: Air pollution.
Reality: Look for flights to Cali. Check your bank account and cry. Book a hotel in New Jersey because you can’t go anywhere else. Check into your hotel. Find a colony of roaches. Befriend the roaches. Go outside and get shit on by a seagull. Try and buy a souvenir sweatshirt and have your credit card declined. Spend 3 hours on the phone with PNC. Walk around town. Drop your phone into a sewer grate. Sit down in the middle of the road. Like right in the middle of traffic. Just plop your ass down in the middle of the busiest street in New Jersey. I mean cars have to yield to pedestrians, right? Get detained. Have your mom come pick you up. Drive home in silence. Go to Verizon and get a new phone. You have 0 missed texts and phone calls.
-Maddie Gottfried, Contributor