Common Children’s Gifts and What I Imagine Their Adult Equivalents Could Be

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Children: A Speak & Spell
Adults: Any electronics with a speech-to-text feature

Children: A stuffed animal
Adults: A taxidermy rabbit that was shot by a cousin who hunts

Children: Barbie salon toys
Adults: A heavily layered haircut

Children: Harry Potter books
Adults: A very thick mystery novel where the author’s name is printed much larger than the title

Children: Stickers
Adults: Stamps

Children: A Dora the Explorer: Learn Spanish computer game
Adults: A cheat sheet for how to pronounce the names of the new Mexican neighbors

Children: Permission to make a Facebook
Adults: Links to articles about sunscreen, a recently kidnapped teen, and a study showing that pomegranates can cure tinnitus for them to post on Facebook

Children: A trip to Disney World
Adults: A trip to Colonial Williamsburg

Children: Candy and soda
Adults: A 30-year-old bottle of whiskey that is only used to impress guests

Children: A Spotify Premium subscription
Adults: A Consumer Reports subscription

Children: A cell phone
Adults: A cordless landline for each room in the house

Children: Costumes for dress-up
Adults: A pair of high-waisted jeans with a large pocket for coupons and Dentyne gum

Children: A puppy
Adults: A garden gnome who is a “member of the family”

Children: A NERF gun
Adults: An antique pistol that sits on the desk of the home office

Children: An inflatable pool raft
Adults: A canoe that is stored along the side of the house and has only touched water once

Children: Cash
Adults: Cash. Actually, cash would be better than anything else. Please, just do cash.

-Janie Beaufore, Sundial Alumna