Inner Monologue: Staying at Home Alone Over Summer Break Edition


Boop boop boop, bored bored bored. What is there to do? Eat? Ya, I’m gonna do that. Nothing to eat but stale tortilla chips and white chocolate chip macadamia nut cookie dough… Whole pieces of cookie dough are making my stomach hurt. Okay, so Tums, some aspirin, and now I need to nap. Just put on some tv as white noise so I can’t hear the demons. Family Guy? That’s fine I guess. Damn this show is awful. But now I’m falling asleep… Yes, I’m still watching, Netflix, quit asking. Hmmm… I wonder what my friends are doing. Busy, busy, with their girlfriend, busy, at school, busy. What’s the point of spring break if your high school friends don’t take the day off to sit alone with you in silence at your house while it’s still too early to drink? Okay maybe my old high school hook up will—nope, she doesn’t, why even bother asking. Okay, now just ask everyone you’ve ever met to get dinner with you tonight. Busy, busy, with their girlfriend, okay I guess you’re alone tonight. AHHHH THE FIRE ALARM HOW DID THIS GO OFF—oh you didn’t use cooking spray with the cookie dough you didn’t eat you dumbass. How can I hide this pan without—yes I’m still watching—mom noticing? Let’s see, spatula, rough side of the sponge, vinegar is acidic, right? Huh, go AP Chemistry, I didn’t get a 3 for nothing. Eh, but I don’t need to deal with that now, I still have like two days til anyone else enters this house. How about a nap instead, just to pass the time?… Wow, two naps today and it’s barely noon. You’re really doing a bang up job of being productive. How about some more food to remind you of what a piece of shit you are? That is the fattest turkey sandwich I have ever seen. Cheese too? Living life on the wild side, it looks like. Lunch of champions: an entire turkey smashed between two pieces of Wonderbread and let’s see, your FOURTH mug of coffee today. That’s a whole pot. You have had 112 ounces of coffee today and you don’t even feel jittery. Imagine what you’d feel—yes, I’m still watching—like if you hadn’t had ANY. You’d probably be on nap three or four. Speaking of which… How about a second shower, just to pass the time and remind you how gross you really are now that you’re around a mirror all the time. La la la, at least you can sing in the shower and not feel ashamed of how you’re a terrible singer. Nah, you still feel ashamed. Hey look at all of those awards to remind you of how you may have peaked in high school, isn’t that so funny? Remember when you did something impressive that literally nobody in college gives a rat’s ass about? Just a reminder of how inadequate—yes I’m still watching—you are. Oh, one of your high school friends wants to grab dinner tonight at that place that always gave you the shits. Oh well, anything to fight off the bad thoughts! But now I have to wait 4 hours to pick him up. How am I gonna pass the time? Well, of course by taking a nap… Well, that was refreshing. Let’s go take another shower to try and pass more of the time. Wow, you’ve gotten fat. Wow, you’re a terrible singer. Be glad your parents aren’t here for you to shame. Oh, thank god it’s time to—okay, this time I’m not actually watching anymore—go pick him up.

Connor Rigney, Staff Member