COLUMBUS—Earlier this afternoon, the dining establishment Traditions at Scott was swallowed into a fiery sinkhole. Witnesses reported hearing a cacophony of screams and seeing the building disappear into flames from a garish hell pit. The geology department maintains that the sinkhole was caused by liquefaction of the soil underneath. We reached out to the department to comment, and Dr. Piedras provided this statement:
“After conducting extensive soil analyses on the flaming pit that was Traditions at Scott, the Department of Geology at The Ohio State University can confirm that the building was swallowed into Hell. We determined that while the demise of Traditions at Scott began at 2:00 p.m., the fire from Hell was not registered by nearby students until 30 seconds later when their ice cream cones burst into flames.”
Apart from ruining quality ice cream, the immolating hell fires that emerged from the deep hole that houses all known evil also brought a sunny day to the Oval, causing the resident nuisances known as the Oval Preachers to crawl out of dirt holes. The preachers asserted that the flaming hell pit that swallowed Traditions at Scott was caused by “immoral masturbators, feminists, and general no-do-goodery” at the local night club, Bullwinkles.
In other news, the inhabitants of Hell have also suffered casualties due to the obtrusion of the collapsed dining facility. Our correspondent from Hell gathered the following interview:
“One minute I’m minding my own business, torturing the damned,” says Steve, a local demon, “the next thing I know, I hear what sounds like an earthquake. I turn around, and a gosh-darned college facility has crashed right onto the stretching racks. Now there’s a giant hole in the roof, and a bunch of lost souls have tried climbing out. We had to stick the giant bats on them. I want to make it clear to all inhabitants of Hell that this is not an excuse to escape. Hell has a strict “no leaving” policy, and these college kids falling into a sinkhole to the realm of darkness aren’t getting any leeway just because they’re missing class.”
It is unclear how long it will take for all parties involved to recover from this devastation. However, demons like Steve and students still agree that Morrill Commons is still the worst place to eat on campus.
—Adam Hribar, Senior Staff Member; Nanki Hura, Guest-Writer; Chaz Schmidt, Guest-Writer; Zach Parsons, Guest-Writer