WANTED: CREW OF POST-GRAD FRIENDS
As a recent college graduate, I’m unsure of how adults are supposed to make friends. I assume that they meet people by approaching them at the post office, attending book signings, or waving at each other in round-a-bouts. However, I have never used the mail, cannot read text longer than an Instagram caption, and am afraid of circular traffic mechanisms.
Also, I’ve been told that the population of the Iowa town I’m moving to after graduation consists mostly of cows and butter sculptures of cows. This is unsettling to me on many levels, as I am vegan and find the presence of meat and dairy to be abhorrent, especially when one resembles the other.
The only place I can think of where I might meet people like me is the town railroad tracks (I often take melancholy photos of myself at railroad tracks for my Instagram account). But when I went to the railroad tracks on my last visit, the only people there were a group of teenagers doing whippets and trying to trap a crow with a lasso.
I’m afraid I will not be able to find people I relate to in my new home. So, I’ve decided to simply post an ad for my new crew of adult friends. I hope my new crew will both enhance my street cred and help pay for my HBO Go (which my parents recently cancelled after they finished watching Boardwalk Empire).
21-29 years of age
If you’re over 30 that’s just gonna bum me out. If you have children that aren’t in a dance crew, please don’t apply. I need people young enough to get my That’s So Raven references but old enough to buy a Four Loco Gold without getting ID’ed.
Willingness to memorize a bunch of inside jokes upon initiation
I feel that a lot of my dialogue in conversation is built around references to inside jokes, and if we don’t have that foundation to begin with, I’m not confident that our friendship will flourish. I’ll explain a few possible inside jokes to you during the interview, and we will use them as starters when building our relationship. One involves a wasp’s nest and a Pogo stick and you will DIE when you hear it.
Unmarried with a cool job
I’m not looking for people who have their shit together; I need people flailing around the ceaseless and unforgiving current that is the real world. If you’ve got a spouse, a mortgage, and a working toaster oven, we won’t be able to relate to each other. But, I also may need you to support me financially from time to time when I’ve spent too much money Uber-ing to Whole Foods. Maybe you are a wealthy club-promoter or street artist. Once again, this may be hard to come across in Iowa, which I have been told is not ‘the scene’ for clubbing or street art, but more ‘the scene’ for the most unsettling Dateline stories or throwing rocks at power lines to see what happens.
You don’t necessarily have to have your catchphrase ready when you apply, but I will expect you to have one eventually. It will depend on our antics together, but some suggestions are things like, “And it’s not even noon yet!” or “Put it through to voicemail, cuz I can’t listen to this right now.”
Must be proficient in Microsoft Office
If you aren’t, then I’m mostly just concerned about how that’s possible. Isn’t it like asking if you are proficient in Google? It all seems pretty self-explanatory.
INSTRUCTIONS FOR APPLICANTS:
Applicants will submit a portfolio including:
-Three drafts of potential group texts that they expect to receive a lot of likes
-Ten original tweets that are genuinely amusing and a retweet of my best tweet (there is a correct answer for this one)
-A list of fifteen ideas for things we can do this Saturday (heads up: I will not hike, see a movie with subtitles, or attend any type of ‘young professionals’ event)
-A resume outlining past friend experience including dates active in certain crews and reasons for leaving. If you have ever been dismissed from a crew, why and how? Did you get distant once you got a boyfriend/girlfriend? Did you bail on plans too many times because you were ‘tired’? Were you ghosted out or straight up told you were out of the group by another member while you were both crying outside of a Taco Bell after a stressful night out?
-Three character references from current and former friends: one from high school, one from college, and one who’s more of a “secondary” friend from like work or something who you would only text if your main crew is busy.
Please also provide a 500-word cover letter, outlining your best qualities and your willingness to engage in the following:
-Holding back my hair while I puke
-Assuring me that I’m not the one being weird; he’s the one being weird
-Letting me use your Amazon Prime account
-Sticking by my side at parties where I don’t know anyone
-Tagging me in memes
Submit all application materials by leaving them in the comments section of my blog “Tattoos and Shoes” (where I review celebrity tattoos and sell my artisan shoelaces). I look forward to hearing from you!