Wanted: Roommate

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Hey, Facebook group, my name is Thomas Niedermeyer and I, like you, am an incoming freshman here at Apache State University, let’s go, Gauchos! See how much school spirit I have? I’m hiding that I didn’t get into Brown and am overcompensating for the fact that I’m going to my safety school. So obviously, considering my profile picture where I, in a light-blue oxford and khakis, am leaning up against a rustic, red-brick building, I think I’m the absolute hottest shit to ever come out of West Podunk, Indiana. So I’m looking for someone to take care of me during my several nervous breakdowns over the course of the year as I realize that I may have peaked in high school as captain and star quarterback of my high school’s D3 football team. Of course I have several demands as I go into this year as a pre-med Biomedical Engineering major which I will change to “Business” my second semester after I fail Fundamentals of Organic Chemistry with Dr. Chao, who I will blame for my failure on account of his accent and not because I refused to study the night before the final. So feel free to message me here on Facebook should you agree to any of this:

First, I want to let you know that regardless of how many demands I put here, I am not going to change my sloppy, borderline erratic behavior to suit you. I’ve cultivated my neuroticism over a decade of constantly being told by every adult I’ve ever met that I am God’s perfect angel who will go far in life.

Second, I WILL be trying my hardest to bring lots of women back to the room but rest assured that I will fail every time. I WILL try way too hard to pick up girls who are way out of my league but they’ll see through my overly sweaty exterior and see me for the insecure person I really am. Don’t worry about it, though, I’ll say on here that I’m okay with you bringing women back but secretly I’ll start to resent you and try with all my might to thwart your attempts to try to have sex with anyone.

Third, you can’t be hotter than me. Well, you have to be hot. Just not hotter than me. I don’t want people to think I roomed with an uggo on purpose, I have standards LOL. But if you’re even a shade hotter than me, taller than me, dress better than me, or, hell, even smell better than me, don’t even bother applying. I still have a deep-seeded narcissistic need to be better than everyone around me.

Fourth, I hate a cluttered room… on your side. Every time I talk about you to my friends back home I’ll rave about how sloppy you are. It’ll make me look like I’ve really started to make adjustments to the messy lifestyle I had when I was in high school. But bear in mind my side will be equally, if not more messy, than your side. My hair will start thinning during the school year on account of stress and poor genetics and I will not clean up any of the hair that falls out of my head. That’s all going to be left to you. Also, no clutter means you’ll have to have a lot of storage space. Which will be good the handful of times we have blowout fights before I eventually drive you out of the room. You won’t even have to pack that much!

Fifth, as God’s gift to women, I need my beauty rest every night. I’ll go to bed around the same time most nights, which will get more erratic as the year goes on. So I can’t have noise, which means no snoring. But don’t worry, I’m going to snore like a revving engine on an SUV every single night. Be prepared for me to wake you up about twice a night. It’ll be like a slumber party!

Sixth, with respect to hygiene, you’ll need to be showered, shaved, combed, and brushed every single day of the week. But I, on the other hand, will shower three times a day because it’s the only place where I can wallow in self-pity without anyone else asking me what’s wrong. I’ll brush my teeth once every few days once I run out of spearmint gum, which I will count on to make my breath smell nice even as my teeth slowly rot out of my head.

Lastly, okay you and I need to have a conversation about alcohol. It’s totally fine if we keep it in our room because if we ever get caught, I have a statement prepared that will 100% implicate you, regardless of whether or not any of it is actually yours. I’ll start out the year as a beer guy, because that’s the only alcohol I know from crappy high school parties where I got really drunk and made out with the (super hot, like 10/10) captain of the cheer team. It was a guy, but I just did it as, like, a joke even though I’ve been thinking about it constantly since. Eventually, I’ll switch from being a social drinker on the weekends to a nightly whiskey drinker. Which initially I’ll think makes me look classy, and it does a little bit, but will develop into the only real way I can fall asleep at night. We’ll party so hard together!

I hope you saw something here that you can agree with. This is my last resort to find a roommate before I just pay the extra amount for a single. The first person I was paired with didn’t like it when I made a joke about his name (it was Mohammad LOL!). So I hope you reach out and we’ll have a really great first week and then a terrible thirteen after that!

Love*,

Thomas Niedermeyer
*P.S: Not really “love” because I’m a closeted homophobe and am rejecting my homosexually until I have a drunken lapse of judgment with a guy from my “Feminist Literature” GE

Connor Rigney, Staff Member