Format of Marvel Movies Changed to Become One, Extended Fight Scene


LOS ANGELES, CALIFORNIA—Acknowledging the overwhelming popularity of films like Deadpool and Logan, 21st Century Fox CEO James Murdoch has announced, to the delight of frat bros and people too stupid to enjoy films like Moonlight or Manchester by the Sea, that, “all further films in the Marvel Cinematic Universe will comprise nothing more than 90-140 minutes of blood, guts, swearing, decapitation, amputation, sex, drugs, guns, and knives.”  “After the release of Deadpool, we realized that people had become apathetic and bored with the character development of the first, how many, like 20 films?” Murdoch yelled from atop his enormous mountain of cash labeled “Logan, Opening Weekend.” “We’re certain that the change will allow adults and their poorly parented children to really connect with the raw energy of the movies and won’t result in an entire generation of little serial killer psychopaths who are just imitating their favorite superhero’s disembowelment of some Russian henchman by way of an ultra-sophisticated shield painted red, white, and blue. Chris Pratt has already updated his contract to include a bloody, no-holds-barred scene in Guardians of the Galaxy vol. 2 in which he forces Groot to grow roots directly into the skull of an unfortunate alien combatant.” When we talked to Murdoch, he was on the set of the new bound-for-failure Spiderman reboot, and was seen handing a child actor a knife and telling him to, “just go crazy.”

Connor Rigney, Staff Member