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Student Who Still Thinks Harambe Memes Are Funny Discovered on Campus

COLUMBUS – Nearly two years after the fatal shooting of Cincinnati Zoo gorilla, Harambe, there is still one person talking about the incident and making the same jokes which were cycled around the internet for months in 2016. The shooting occurred on May 28, 2016, as a result of a child falling into the lowland gorilla’s enclosure. Shortly after the event, there was an uproar throughout social media about the killing. People believed the situation could have been dealt with… Keep Reading

Please Stop Writing Articles About Me!

Dear Stav, So, it came to my attention that an article was written about me in something called the “Sundial Humor Magazine.” I don’t think that’s a hardcore gaming magazine, because I haven’t read it before, so I don’t want my name anywhere near it. It turns out someone I matched with on tinder took umbrage with the fact that I asked her to hang out. I’m not happy having my good name besmirched on the internet for all to see,… Keep Reading

Top 10 Things Only Kids Named “Eli Gardner” Will Relate To

For Eli Gardner 1. 2000s Columbus Man, this list is already killing it. I bet all you Eli Gardners who grew up in Columbus during the 2000s are like “wow, I relate to this.” 2. When your favorite celebrity is Gail Simmons and not a Kardashian Let me guess what you’re thinking: “How the hell did you know my deep admiration for Top Chef judge Gail Simmons” and that’s because this is a relatable list just for you, Eli Gardner.… Keep Reading

Sundial Person of the Year for Elijah Saiger

For Elijah Saiger Little is known about our fearless leader here at The Sundial. Since both the New York Times and the Wall Street Journal ignored my request for a personal profile on our dear Editor in Chief, I took it upon myself to unravel the enigma. Name: Elijah Saiger Height: 5’6’ or maybe 5’7”. He tends to slouch. Hobbies: Comedy and Comedy writing. Reading books that are older than the United States of America. Watching the types of TV… Keep Reading

The Michael Jordan Minimusical

For Mara Sydnor Preface: On the Secret Santa website, Mara listed her interests as “All the things.” To most people that would seem vague and unhelpful, but I knew what she was really saying, “Whoever gets this, please write me a minimusical about Michael Jordan.” And, so, that’s exactly what I did.   [Verse 1] Michael Jordan, 1994, Decides to give up basketball for a while He said, “My daddy shot dead, I’m gonna honor him By playing baseball instead.” [Hook]… Keep Reading

Discuss: An Analysis

For Allan Labonowski It’s another day and Allan is bored. Several friends refuse to play Spontuneous with him, because the game quickly becomes unfun when he is 15 spaces ahead of everyone. He takes to social media, much like my 77-year-old grandfather to pose philosophical questions to his acquaintances. It begins with either a vague or extremely specific topic and the comments are left to offer opinions. What ensues is a notification nightmare for the average human being but not… Keep Reading

Social Media Formulas for Social Media Chair Mary Lavelle

For Mary Lavelle Twitter =  chaos – dignity Tinder = chaos + horny Tumblr = chaos + puberty Bumble = tinder + 1/10(feminism) Facebook = chaos + your aunt Julie Snapchat= chaos – your aunt Julie Groupme = chaos x chaos 4chan = (anime + people named Curtis) – women Reddit = (cute animals + people named Curtis) – women Instagram= pride + filter Venmo = friendship + capitalism -Stav, Sundial Alumna Keep Reading

Sundial Radio Show (Live)

Join us for a night of yucks, schmucks, and perhaps a little luck. On January 12th at 8 PM, The Sundial will attempt to perform a live radio show, in the style of This American Life, with too many acts to count, and special guests: 8th Floor Improv, Fishbowl Improv, Buckeye Standup, Backburner Sketch Comedy, and musician Matt Monta. Did we mention the show is FREE? You lucky, dog, you. You don’t even have to pay! I bet the people… Keep Reading

Lauren and the Tinder Date

For Lauren Moliterno Lauren woke up in the morning and rolled over in bed to check her phone. After perusing through twitter and her finsta, she finally decided to open Tinder to see if she had any new potential suitors. Lauren was unamused to see the same old sad attempts from boys to woo her including one message to her that just straight up said “boobs.” While Lauren was mildly flattered that a boy was kind enough to point out… Keep Reading

Ask Amy – Grumbling Graduate

For Hannah Wagner Dear Amy, I just now finally finished up college and graduated, but now that I’m out in the real world, I’ve spent every single day sitting in bed and watching old episodes of Game of Thrones on my laptop.  Every now and then I order some Papa John’s so I don’t starve but that’s about it.  What am I supposed to do now that nobody is telling me what to do? With Pomp and Circumstance, Grumbling Graduate… Keep Reading

Local Robber Turns Around After Seeing Neighborhood Watch Sign

On Tuesday afternoon, a local robber was spotted sprinting away visibly frustrated after seeing a neighborhood watch sign posted by the street that read, “We report all suspicious activities to our sheriff dept.” Robby’s mom from Auburn Woods neighborhood commented, “Thank goodness everyone and everything is safe. God knows if we’d even be alive if it weren’t for that sign.” Another resident, Robby’s friend’s dad, outside at the time said he heard the robber allegedly say, “Drats! Not again! I’ll… Keep Reading

Netflix Releases New Streaming Plan Ahead of Holidays: the Netflix Diet

DECEMBER 1st—Netflix has released a new streaming plan at its lowest price ever—an incredible $2.99/month. The catch? Your favorite TV show or movie only runs when you run—literally. Dubbed the Netflix Diet, this new Netflix plan aims to combat holiday weight gain, and is here to stay. “We feel in part responsible for the obesity epidemic in America,” Netflix spokesperson Sonja Roberts admits. “At first, the sluggish, American lifestyle was great for business. As the national BMI skyrocketed, so did… Keep Reading

This Just In: Huntington Bank’s New Intern Too Much Of A Timid Little Bitch To Decline Doing A Bunch Of Random Shit For His Coworkers

COLUMBUS- After working in the office for only two short months, it was confirmed that the newest hired intern at Huntington Bank Headquarters is too much of a fucking pussy to decline any amount of random tasks his coworkers give him. Jessica Hiller, who manages the loans department, reported that she was feeling rather overworked this quarter. To keep up with her job’s high demands, she reached out to the school of business at Ohio State University. In turn, the… Keep Reading

A Guide To Your Rights This Holiday

It’s finally that time of year, Bill of Right’s Day. Use your freedom of speech but remember that one else should use their freedom of speech to criticize you. Use your freedom of expression but not if it’s against America, take that shit to Canada. There is freedom of religion but remember that America is a good Christian nation. Remember if someone uses freedom of press or right to assembly to express an opinion different than yours, their un-American. Speaking… Keep Reading

Local Man Committing Highway Robbery Right Under Starbucks’ Very Nose

COLUMBUS- 31-year-old Peter Walters, an actuarial associate at Nationwide, has been going through the same morning routine every workday for nearly a decade, but it wasn’t until recently that he discovered a way to break the mold and start making a major improvement in his life. During a shopping trip, Walters discovered a way to game the very system that has cost him a cumulative amount of $10,118.52. Despite his financial cleverness, Peter Walters is still unable to figure out… Keep Reading

Gifts to Get For the Girl Who You See as More Than a Friend But You’re Not Sure if Those Feelings are Reciprocated

Buy: <$20 Gift Card to a chain restaurant, probably Panera. “Non-committal” diamonds Passive-aggressive comments about guys she hangs out with Bake her some cookies, but burn some Crippling insecurity A handmade card with a really romantic inscription. No Shakespeare. Write her a short story and put too much time into it. Like twenty extra pounds Do Not Buy “Committal” Diamonds Anything made out of mink Telling her that you love her and expecting a response other than “look, I just… Keep Reading

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