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5K Fundraiser Runs: Your Guide to Becoming a World Champion

Ever since the dawn of time, man has competed with one another to see who is the best. Who is the strongest? Who is the smartest? Although some people compete in the Olympics or Jeopardy to determine this, there is only one competition that can show who the champions of the world are. And yes, that competition is a 5k fundraiser run. Everyone knows about 5k fundraiser runs. Many organizations use them as a great way to raise money. This… Keep Reading

William Oxley Thompson Bust In Namesake’s Library To Be Replaced

(Doug) Courtesy of Mr. Doug Friday, March 2, 2018: The bust of William Oxley Thompson is a staple at the front of Thompson library, but after years of wear and tear, the statue will be taken off display for refurbishment. Ohio State students often rub the top of the bust’s head for good fortune on upcoming tests, so some students worry the refurbishment will kill the tradition. Ohio State Spokesman, Benjamin Davey, said students should not worry about losing their… Keep Reading

A Letter Regarding the Work Ethics of Olympic Athletes

Dear Athletes: All your accomplishments are due to innovations in technology. Your work ethic has little to do with the fame and fortune you have earned with it. Your cleats, running shoes, cross country skis, bodysuits, and curling brooms are all products of people smarter than you. These technological advancements exist solely to generate capital for your agents, networks, and managers. I, a man who has been glued to his couch, swigging down Bud Light after Bud Light, have every… Keep Reading


INT. A COFFEE SHOP – DAY Various skinny, man-bunned, crop-top wearing people sit around in a coffee shop called Drip. Some type on their sticker-covered laptops, others fiddle with their phones and take pictures with their drinks. All four walls are maroon, as are the employee’s uniforms, the logo, and almost everything else in sight. Two twenty-somethings, Stephen and Gwen, enter the shop. Gwen, in her infinity scarf and large lensless glasses, fits in nicely, while Stephen, in cargo pants… Keep Reading

A Letter to a Mailman from Sam

Dear Mailman person, I’ve noticed lately how hard you work delivering the neighborhood’s mail and I just wanted to write you this letter to celebrate your effort. Day in and day out you work tirelessly to deliver the mail, regardless of rain, snow, or shine. Because of you I’ve gotten important mail that improves my daily life. I am just so grateful that there are great people that work as hard as you to make sure that the post will… Keep Reading

Haikus From My Boring Business Class

eight in the morning financing and logistics and not precious sleep doctor leigh enters monotony incarnate wielding powerpoints here we go again more rambling about markets i would rather die read this business book because you need to know more worthless platitudes i think she just said synergistic management unironically stare out the window see your life rush past your eyes miss a quiz answer what does this chart mean so many arrows yet no sense of direction cavemen had… Keep Reading

Kindling: Like Tinder, but for Life!

Ladies, are you tired of constantly fending off fuckboys and their uncreative pick-up lines? Men, are you tired of being fuckboys with uncreative pick-up lines? This year, avoid the messy hookups and get what you’re really looking for: a partner to have and to hold for the rest of your life. Introducing Kindling, a dating app that is like Tinder, but for arranged marriages. To register, simply begin by filling out the Buzzfeed quiz, “Build a perfect partner, and we’ll… Keep Reading

50 Ways to Leave Your Lover

I am unsure if Paul Simon realized, but his song “50 Ways to Leave Your Lover” is misleading. Perhaps this was a simple typo and he meant to title the song “5 Ways to Leave Your Lover” as that’s all he provided us. Or, it could possibly be that he is just embarrassingly bad at counting. Nonetheless, and 43 years too late, I managed to muster up the rest of the 45 ways. So, here’s to you, Mr. Simon. Just… Keep Reading

This American Life: The Lost Segment – Transcript

Ira: Welcome back to This American Life, I’m Ira Glass. Act three: Thug Life. Sometimes, it’s hard to know when you’ve crossed the line. This is especially true when you’re growing up, and it can lead people to do some things they wouldn’t otherwise consider. Richard Carn has our next story. Richard: Introduce yourself real quick, if you would. Connor: Hello, I’m Connor, I’m currently a sophomore, and I… where should I start? Richard: I guess just start from the… Keep Reading

Two Students Go On Date After Definitely Not Meeting On Tinder

COLUMBUS – After a self-described “three-year dry-spell,” Ohio State University student Tim Daly was happy to report that he went on a date with a fellow student who he met completely organically through face-to-face, interpersonal social interaction. The unlikely couple met for “definitely not” the first time at Cazuela’s Mexican Restaurant on High Street, where they made awkward, entry-level conversation while pulling back jumbo margaritas for $5 a piece. Tim’s date, Carly Jenson, reported that the date was, “a little… Keep Reading

The Last Stand

Leonidas splashed water on his face and stared into the full length mirror adjacent to the sink. The year 480 B.C. had been relatively normal for him, he thought, even though he was the captain of the Spartan volleyball team. Spring and Summer were spent rigorously training for the Fall season just like the three years before, the only difference was that he led the workouts and tonight, he will be the one to lead the team onto the court.… Keep Reading

Student Who Still Thinks Harambe Memes Are Funny Discovered on Campus

COLUMBUS – Nearly two years after the fatal shooting of Cincinnati Zoo gorilla, Harambe, there is still one person talking about the incident and making the same jokes which were cycled around the internet for months in 2016. The shooting occurred on May 28, 2016, as a result of a child falling into the lowland gorilla’s enclosure. Shortly after the event, there was an uproar throughout social media about the killing. People believed the situation could have been dealt with… Keep Reading

Please Stop Writing Articles About Me!

Dear Stav, So, it came to my attention that an article was written about me in something called the “Sundial Humor Magazine.” I don’t think that’s a hardcore gaming magazine, because I haven’t read it before, so I don’t want my name anywhere near it. It turns out someone I matched with on tinder took umbrage with the fact that I asked her to hang out. I’m not happy having my good name besmirched on the internet for all to see,… Keep Reading

Top 10 Things Only Kids Named “Eli Gardner” Will Relate To

For Eli Gardner 1. 2000s Columbus Man, this list is already killing it. I bet all you Eli Gardners who grew up in Columbus during the 2000s are like “wow, I relate to this.” 2. When your favorite celebrity is Gail Simmons and not a Kardashian Let me guess what you’re thinking: “How the hell did you know my deep admiration for Top Chef judge Gail Simmons” and that’s because this is a relatable list just for you, Eli Gardner.… Keep Reading

Sundial Person of the Year for Elijah Saiger

For Elijah Saiger Little is known about our fearless leader here at The Sundial. Since both the New York Times and the Wall Street Journal ignored my request for a personal profile on our dear Editor in Chief, I took it upon myself to unravel the enigma. Name: Elijah Saiger Height: 5’6’ or maybe 5’7”. He tends to slouch. Hobbies: Comedy and Comedy writing. Reading books that are older than the United States of America. Watching the types of TV… Keep Reading

The Michael Jordan Minimusical

For Mara Sydnor Preface: On the Secret Santa website, Mara listed her interests as “All the things.” To most people that would seem vague and unhelpful, but I knew what she was really saying, “Whoever gets this, please write me a minimusical about Michael Jordan.” And, so, that’s exactly what I did.   [Verse 1] Michael Jordan, 1994, Decides to give up basketball for a while He said, “My daddy shot dead, I’m gonna honor him By playing baseball instead.” [Hook]… Keep Reading

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